proud.

last night i was talking to john about reece's rainbow.
my heart has been so heavy, thinking so much about these sweet children who just need a chance.

i was talking to him and i began crying.
really a hard, ugly kind of cry.
i just can't understand or comprehend all of this.
why or how people feel that a child with down syndrome is not worth raising, or loving, or deserving of a happy life.


most times when i bring this kind of thing up, i lose people.
they get distracted, nervous, anxious to move on with the conversation.
this is a tough subject. it's easy to look away and ignore this situation even exists.
we are all so safe and sound, tucked away in our comfy homes and warm beds.
why would we even give a second thought to some mentally challenged orphaned kids from other countries?

the reason i have been crying is because i can't look away.
every time i see one of the children on reece's rainbow, i see MY child.
my ben.
the boy that you all come here to read about and check up on.
he's so very real to me.
and so are they.
the problem is real.
these children do not have mommies or daddies to love them and tuck them into bed at night.
they need therapies and surgeries and advocates--as much as they need brothers and sisters and grandparents and friends.


my heart is so heavy.
and so i have been talking to my john about this.

and last night, in the middle of my ugly cry, john looked at me, so lovingly, and he smiled.
and what he told me was just about the most poignant and sincerely nice thing anyone has ever said to me.

he told me he was PROUD OF ME.

when ben was born, i acted like a fool.
i was shocked and sad and swimming in disbelief.
i felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body and stomped into pulp.
i felt like my life had stopped.
it was really, really bad.
and i feel ashamed even writing about it.


but, i know now that ben was a GIFT to me.
he is so much more than i ever could of imagined.
and God loves me so much.
He does not make mistakes.


john knew this all along.
his sister jenny has down syndrome and he grew up loving her.
he knew down syndrome was not the end of our world.
he knew i would come around and learn what he already knew.

last night, he said, was when i showed him just how far i had come.
not only has my mind changed about down syndrome, but look! my heart had changed too--that i could feel so deeply about other children with down syndrome, be so moved and torn by these children.
i made him proud.

it may sound so simple and maybe even stupid, but it was such a love-filled moment between us.
we are growing together, strengthening our marriage.
we are a team.
he is so much more than i could of ever imagined too.
:)

please check out reece's rainbow.
give if you are able.
enter lisa's giveaway to help a brave family working towards saving their daughter.
read patti's awesome blog.
educate yourself.
don't look away.
make Him proud.

and thanks for listening.