Monday, August 13, 2012

every season has an end.

we are coming on autumn.
school starts exactly one week from today and as much as i want school to start, i don't want summer to be over.
good thing it's usually hot as heck here until about thanksgiving...

we have been getting school supplies ready for my boy.
mr. ben boy smarty pants starts kindergarten this year.
we chose to place him in the developmental kindergarten based on where he is right now and i'm about 99% at peace with that.

truth is the other 1% of me is wishing he would just be like every other kid and go to regular kindergarten.
it's true.
that 1% is still there and probably always will be.
being completely real, some days i just want to wake up and hear him start talking like a typical child his age, some days i just want to hear someone say to me "he's so smart!", and there are days when i wish and pray and wish again that ben was...well, a different person.

did that just come out?
yes, i believe it did.
but before you go judging me and getting all offended, i'm sure there are days you wished your kids were different too.
be honest with yourself.
there are days when i wish josh would get motivated do something, anything, besides sports and video games.
there are days when i wish anna would stop being so bossy, so messy, so...stringy-haired!

but with ben, it's a little bit different.
i can't help but wonder who ben would be without down syndrome.
some days i wonder more than others.
some days i still weep for the child that never was, the child i created in my pregnant mind, a child that really was never my child.

my child was born with down syndrome.
it is in each and every cell of his human existence.
he is who he is.

a spitfire, full of life, faster than fast. 
he loves spaghetti and the ipad and buzz lightyear. 
he likes bike rides and swimming and swinging on the swings.
he likes pringles and hates toothpaste.
he likes to JUMP.
he hates sandals.

this kid is who he is.
i can't change him.
if i did i wouldn't have ben.

and i'm 100% certain that i would DIE if i didn't have my ben boy.
shrivel up, shattered heart, die a terrible, lonely death.

so as for that 1%, well, it can just be put to rest for a while.
exciting things are happening with my boy, this boy that was certainly not what i expected but who i love with all my being.

school starts in a week.
one more week until ben starts kindergarten.
i'm sure he will strut his stuff like it's nobody's business and i will be a sobbing mess.
or maybe, just maybe, he's want his mommy and in that case, i'll be a sobbing mess sundae with a clingy boy on top.

the preschool days are over.
it's big boy time now.
another season has come.


jeana said...

I've had that 1% hope as well. I truly get that. I often wonder if I ever did wake up to a typical talkative boy if I would even recognize him? That part scares me.. It would be bittersweet. I love your honesty in this post and pray for a blessed year for you big boy!

Shaun said...

I've been following your blog for some time now. I just wanted to let you know (not that you don't already) what a blessing your boy will be to others. My daughter is in school with a boy with Down Syndrome. I thank his mother every June (they've been in the same class for 3 years now!). I thank her for allowing her son to teach my daughther compassion and patience...and so much more! She loves this boy and everything about him! Your boy will teach others to grow....what a blessing!

Kimberlee said...

I get this completely.
You have beautifully put to words what I think many Ds parents feel but are not all brave enough to admit.

Colleen said...

I love that you are so honest in this post and that you can admit these feelings that I would imagine are so difficult to put down. Your boy Ben is so very handsome!! good luck with the first day! I cried last year when my girl started too.

{cuppakim} said...

i love you.
like kimberlee said you are brave.

happy kindergarten benboy. it's going to be all things wonderful and amazing.

Katie said...

I'm having a seriously emotional day as well, and this post is making the tears flow again, dang it. I do feel guilt, but it is surrounding autism rather than DS. I wish autism would just go the capital F away. But it never will.

Your Ben will LOVE kindergarten. Mine still loves the whole schedule of school, even if the setting is less than perfect. Middle school, here we come...cross fingers...

Anonymous said...

You are amazing! What a beautifully written post. Such a sweet picture of Ben! :) Blessings!

{Amy} said...

amy- i love your honesty. and you are right, we can all say that about our kids, ourselves...our partners. thanks for sharing the whole truth.

and ps- he is ridiculously cute.

coco said...

I get it, i totally get it. And my kids are not classified as "special needs". They are just different from what i "expected"... whatever that was! There are regular deaths to those dreams. I guess in dying those dreams i get to live the one's God made for me....

meg duerksen said...

i get it.
believe me ... there are plenty of things i wish i could change. but that is not my life.
you are so good with your words lady. i love when you share the hard stuff. :) and i really miss you!!

Katie said...

How did the first day go? Did he cry or did you? ;)