every season has an end.

we are coming on autumn.
school starts exactly one week from today and as much as i want school to start, i don't want summer to be over.
good thing it's usually hot as heck here until about thanksgiving...

we have been getting school supplies ready for my boy.
mr. ben boy smarty pants starts kindergarten this year.
we chose to place him in the developmental kindergarten based on where he is right now and i'm about 99% at peace with that.

truth is the other 1% of me is wishing he would just be like every other kid and go to regular kindergarten.
it's true.
that 1% is still there and probably always will be.
being completely real, some days i just want to wake up and hear him start talking like a typical child his age, some days i just want to hear someone say to me "he's so smart!", and there are days when i wish and pray and wish again that ben was...well, a different person.

whoa.
did that just come out?
yes, i believe it did.
but before you go judging me and getting all offended, i'm sure there are days you wished your kids were different too.
be honest with yourself.
there are days when i wish josh would get motivated already...to do something, anything, besides sports and video games.
there are days when i wish anna would stop being so bossy, so messy, so...stringy-haired!

but with ben, it's a little bit different.
i can't help but wonder who ben would be without down syndrome.
some days i wonder more than others.
some days i still weep for the child that never was, the child i created in my pregnant mind, a child that really was never my child.

my child was born with down syndrome.
it is in each and every cell of his human existence.
he is who he is.

a spitfire, full of life, faster than fast. 
he loves spaghetti and the ipad and buzz lightyear. 
he likes bike rides and swimming and swinging on the swings.
he likes pringles and hates toothpaste.
he likes to JUMP.
he hates sandals.

this kid is who he is.
i can't change him.
if i did i wouldn't have ben.

and i'm 100% certain that i would DIE if i didn't have my ben boy.
shrivel up, shattered heart, die a terrible, lonely death.

so as for that 1%, well, it can just be put to rest for a while.
exciting things are happening with my boy, this boy that was certainly not what i expected but who i love with all my being.

school starts in a week.
one more week until ben starts kindergarten.
i'm sure he will strut his stuff like it's nobody's business and i will be a sobbing mess.
or maybe, just maybe, he's want his mommy and in that case, i'll be a sobbing mess sundae with a clingy boy on top.

the preschool days are over.
it's big boy time now.
another season has come.