faith the size of a mustard seed.

I’m sitting alone in the living room of an apartment somewhere in Eastern Europe.

How I got here I don’t know.  Well, of course I know HOW I got here—I took plane ride after plane ride, tried to sleep, tried to eat, repeat.  But I really don’t know how I got here.  It’s been a long ride, this journey of adoption.  And I know I write that as if I’m on the other side of it, as if it’s over already which it’s not.  But in many ways, my journey has been as much about ending as it is beginning.  My heart aches this morning for a sweet little orphan boy in a remote region of Russia.  If I close my eyes I can still see Davis’ smile and feel his arms around me as he hugged my neck so, so tightly.  I can feel my hands rub over his freshly shaved hair and see his sweet eyes twinkle while we sang and laughed and I snapped photos of him.  He is alive in me.  And so it is quite ironic and heartbreaking that I am in another country waiting anxiously to receive a referral for a different child that I hope to make my son.  I am as eager as I am fearful.   My heart is again open and laid bare, and again, able to be crushed.  But FAITH. 

Faith is a very strong and undeniable thing.  The day before I got on all of those planes, I laid in bed with my only daughter and we talked about faith.  How can you go even when you are afraid?  Faith.  How can you still love when you’re heart has been broken?  Faith.  How can you still risk when all seems lost?  Faith.  How can you continue on when it would be so much easier to stay put?  Faith--faith the size of a mustard seed at times.  But that’s all it takes.  You don’t have to be sure or certain but you must have a teensy tiny amount of faith.  Faith is what propels us forward and gives us courage.  Faith is that glimmer of hope when everything else says, “Impossible!”  Faith will revive you, grab you by the hand and get you on that plane.

I sit here on this sofa surrounded by unfamiliar sounds and smells, my stomach rumbling and my head racing, already longing for my own bed and my children back at home.  Yet I know that this right here, right now, is the stuff of life.  My discomfort and rumbling stomach are merely signs of my physical sacrifice.  Adoption is a process of sacrifice.  I am sacrificing my comfy life, my comfy normal, my comfy bank account for the good of another human being.  And it’s nothing.  Truly, when I think about what Christ did for me, for all of us, what I’m doing is nothing.  But it’s something, right?!  I have to believe that this fight I’m living is for something.  Even the fight I lived for Davis is for something.   Because God is with me here in this apartment, fighting along side with us.  God is with Jude in his orphanage, preparing his heart to meet us.  God is with Davis, sustaining him, with my children who miss us, my parents who are working so hard to take care of them for us, with you even as you read this.  He is working in each of us. 

I truly believe that there is so much Good Work being done all the time that we couldn’t possibly begin to understand the enormity of it all.   Our lives are intertwined and overlapping and our stories each contain threads that are woven into this great, beautiful tapestry that we can’t humanly comprehend. Those things we claim to be ironic, coincidental, those times we say "what a small world!"...all part of the tapestry.

I just woke John up and explained the dos and don’t of taking a shower in the bathroom here.  He’s yawning and unimpressed.  Doesn’t he realize that I’ve spent the morning wrestling my anxieties and writing all these deep thoughts?  Nope.  He isn't interested.  But he does say to me, “I hope Cindy’s alarm went off on time.”  Cindy is a woman we met yesterday that was boarding a train at 6:00 this morning to go rescue two orphans.  She is a woman with a story as long, as twisting, as full of disappointments and heartache as anyone, but her grit and her resolve impressed us both.  She has an enviable relationship with God.  And I imagine that He knew exactly what He was doing when our plane showed up two hours late and we shared a driver from the airport into the city.  It was no accident that she shared her story of losing a little girl from Russia during the ban and how she came to the crossroads of adoption yet again.  It most certainly wasn’t a mistake that we went to dinner together and walked her back to her apartment.  Three strangers in a strange new city, yet last night, the world felt smaller, together.  Cindy is a part of our story now.  She was a gift to us, a gift of reassurance and hope and friendship.  I pray that the Lord will bless her tomorrow as she heads to court for the parental rights of two special needs orphans who desperately need her.  Lord, be with all of them. 

Our DAP appointment is in an hour.  We expect it to be short, just a few minutes, as we receive our referral for Jude, the very first step here towards making him our son. We expect our driver soon so I’m off to find clean socks and unpack my boots. The day awaits.

more goodness.

another quick list.

--i am loving american idol.
of course i am.
harry's owning it.
and harry is my favorite.
you know that.

--i forgot to mention the blog cranny and me the other day.
today, her post moved me beyond words.
it was just perfect.

"I'd like to banish the idea that ministry, or marriage, or life, has a honeymoon stage. If we are honest, we know, we absolutely know that life will have its difficulties. And if we believe in the sovereignty of God, we also know that those deserts, those difficult times, are for our good and the glory of God as much as the mountain-top experiences."

a million times yes.

--and good night! have you read this post shannan wrote yesterday??
just so on point for exactly, precisely, scarily where i am and what i'm feeling.
creepy really.

"That is where my pitiful humanity wrecks this gift of loneliness. Over and over, rather than fixing my eyes on the One who loves me best, I frantically scan the horizon-line for a jeans-and-sneaks person to save me. "..."It is our unequivocal duty to love the lonely. We should be linking arms with the outcast, remembering that sometimes the outcast wears $200 jeans and drives and Audi. Sometimes the lonely sits in a nursing home, but she also sits next to us on the bleachers at gymnastics practice."

--and lastly, this, this and this. (from here)

january observations.

here we are at january 19th already.
january is always a blur.
the hoopla of the holidays is behind us and i think we all crave the stillness and pause of january.
the kids are getting back into the swing of things and i've welcomed routine back into our home with open arms.
except for homework.
homework is never welcomed with open arms.
ever.
i digress.
i'm kinda in the mood for writing a list of all my january daily notes so here goes:

--all three kids brought home great report cards.  i'm so proud of them.

--anna has been having some emotional outbursts lately.  either she's jealous of the boys, or seeking attention, or both.  i have a feeling her hormones are going wild.  i don't know how mothers with lots of daughters handle it.  (i'm talking to you, danielle farley!)

--i would pay someone to trim ben's finger and toenails.  i have done it for almost seven years now and i've finally had enough.  i'm sourcing it out.  interested parties apply within.

--josh and john are twins.  it's terrifying at times.  and wonderful at other times.  but mostly terrifying.

--i'm freezing.  i'm counting down the days until spring rolls in.  winter is not my favorite.

--i was on pinterest the other day and i was loving every single thing on there.  i even said out loud "this is the best pinterest board ever!  i love it all!"  and then i realized i was on my own pinterest board.  i'm a dork.

--is blogging over?  i notice less and less blogs still going strong.  that makes me feel so sad.  but here are a few of my favorites lately, all new to me, very different and very, very beautiful:

the beetle shack
heart handmade
shine
me and alice
hello from the natos

--i have found myself in situation after situation, over the past year or so, where i just can't imagine getting through things without help from the Lord.  nothing in my own simple mind can make sense of things without Him.  i think about times in my life where i sinned, failed, made terrible choices, etc. and in each situation, i felt like i was in control.  so foolish.  now i feel like i am never in control, that nothing is ever possible without God.  and there is a peace that comes over me like i've never known.  and this peace is grace.  maybe i'm just now getting it, but man, I GET IT.  and it is such relief.

--i love lists.  they make me happy.

that is all for today.
c'mon spring.

our life. today.

ben is obsessed with the gummi bear song on youtube.
and the show pocoyo, especially the camping episode.
and the scene in the movie 'cars' where mater and lightning mcqueen go tractor tippin--only that one scene.
he can now write his name pretty well and shocked us all by writing it on my shopping list.
he climbs in our bed every single night and sleeps best when he's next to us.
to be completely honest, i love this and i hate this, at the same time.
i miss sleeping through the night and i miss sleeping next to john.
hoping this is a phase and it will pass soon!

anna walks around the house singing the national anthem all the live long day.
"oooohh, say can you see...."
it's cute.
she's cute.
i love hearing her sing.
acting class is over so she's only taking gymnastics now.

she hates reading but loves when i read to her.
we just finished "little house in the big woods" and are starting "the indian in the cupboard".
i love "the indian in the cupboard".
i read it in 4th grade too, and it has stayed with me all this time.
same with the book "the yearling"--i remember thinking "the yearling" seemed like such a big book for me, but i loved it so much.
tell me you've read both of these!  so good.

josh has been sick off and on all week, maybe the stomach flu.
he comes in our room in the middle of the night and says "help me!"
scares me to death.
but usually he just needs some tylenol and a hug.
i am so sad that he's going to miss his last football game today.
he's been running a fever all night and feels horrible.
i see lots of couch time, naps and snuggles today...if he'll let me. ;)

i went to the thrift store yesterday and found some good buys.
i couldn't believe it, but i only bought clothes.
these dang kids have each grown a foot! from last year, not exaggerating, so they each need all new pants and shirts and coats.
ben is wearing almost all of josh's size 7 hand-me-downs.
anna and josh are both on the borderline where they could wear adult clothing in an extra small or a kids extra large.
my nine year old is wearing a girls 14-16.
what the what??

it seems like it's turned from summer to fall/winter overnight.
this morning there was frost everywhere and our back steps were slippery.
most of our plants bit the dust from the frost, and the grass is starting to turn yellow again.
we actually grew a few gourds in our "garden" and they are ready to cut and add to the pumpkins on the porch.

i have been thinking about Christmas all week long--what gifts to buy, how i want to decorate, cleaning up and clearing out.
simplify, simplify, simplify.
we are only two months away.
sounds crazy, but i'm excited.

what now?

today i googled "how to move on after a failed adoption."
that's where i am, staring down those words on my computer screen... failed adoption.
i am struggling to move on, to move forward, to figure out...what now?

i still have adoption in my heart.
this is a fact.
i have contacted an agency that deals with another country.
i have reviewed several files, wide-eyed and with as much of an open heart that i can muster.
i took my time, prayed hard, and still felt like i couldn't breathe while trying to imagine these children in our family.
i'm not ready for that.
i'm not ready just yet.

i would give anything, ANYthing, to be able to adopt davis.
this is a fact too.
if i ever had a doubt before, if i ever, even once, second-guessed whether we could do it, if he would fit, if pursuing him was the best thing for our family, i can tell you confidently that those thoughts never had a chance.
john and i love him as our own child, as if he was formed in my womb, and born into our family.
he is perfect.
he is beautiful.
he is worth everything.

and i can also reaffirm that the Lord was with us every step of the way.
i never, as long as i have lived, never, have felt as close to God as i did sitting in a little orphanage in a remote part of russia, holding my lonely, scared child.
He was there with me.
and Happiness and Love and Joy and Hope were there too.
it was an experience filled with beauty, one that i will never forget, for all of my days.

so if things were so right and i was willing to do whatever it took, what happened?
why didn't things go the way we expected or hoped?
i don't think that's something we will ever know.
how long do you wait until you say "ok, i have to stop making this the center of my life. i did all you could.  this isn't my fault.  i did it all.  i have to keep living.  move on, already!"??
i wish i knew the answer.
this is way more complicated than i could have ever imagined.
love is a messy, complex thing.

i have days of semi-normalcy and nights of worry.
i have moments when i feel helpless and moments when i feel angry.
but mostly, i'm just sad.
and maybe it's not just sad for me--although there have been some epic pity-parties, let me tell you--
i'm sad for davis, for sergey, for isaac, for elden, for anya, for artem, for all of the thousands of children who have no choice and no chance.
i'm sad for the politicians who don't care, who never did and never will; for the other families who were in this fight beside me who are hurting too.

i'm letting this post get away from me.
i really wrote this post because i wanted to say thank you.
thank you for donating to our fund, for blogging about our boy, for checking in on us and for offering words of encouragement throughout these long two (almost three) years.
thank you for praying for us and for keeping davis in your thoughts and prayers.
thank you for listening to me rant about russians and orphans and down syndrome and adoption and all kinds of uncomfortable stuff.
thank you for EVERYthing.
i love and appreciate each one of you.

we are taking things slow.
we are working through all of this and treading ever so carefully towards a new normal.
our God is still here, as He always is, comforting us and loving us.
we are healing.
xo.

things that make me happy.

-the way my mom says "later" when we hang up the phone.
-when ben says "shoo-wee!!" every time he farts.
-when josh asks me tuck him in at night.
-hearing john say "love you baby" at the end of each phone call.
-when blythe texts me for decorating advice.
-my office coffee club.
-dark chocolate espresso bits.
-gap pajama bottoms.
-handmade lemon sorbet lip balm.
-anna's new acting class.
-when ben holds his puppy dog stuffed animal and pretends it is licking my face.
-pink geraniums.
-dolphins swimming near our dock.
-the way my dad misses ben when he's at school.
-watching josh make a big run during a football game.
-reading the book kisses from katie and feeling like love is everything.
-when anna takes pictures.
-talking to tricia all morning long.
-when ben brings home school work and his smiles while i gush over it.
-no homework.
-cool, crisp mornings.
-clean sheets and a stack of books next to my bed.
-knowing that i made a friend smile by writing something mushy about her on fb.

these little things...they all add up.
happiness is all around us.
notice it.
look for it.
make a list if you need to.
even in our darkest days, happiness is close by.

happenings...

we went to the beach.
we ate lots of good food and drank "jersey specials."
the water was warm (around 81-82 degrees) but still a little bit too chilly for me to swim.
didn't stop the kids one bit.
ben swallowed so much salt water he actually got sick.
even then, he wanted to swim some more.
the big kids are so much bigger this year.
they are such good kids.  i should tell them that more often.
josh must have caught 30 fish.
anna caught around five, and one time she caught two on the same line.
the house is a dream and we love it.  all of us.
can't wait to go back soon.

nana and pop are watching the kids during the day.
the kiddos are settling into summer well...lazy days watching tv, video games, playing on the ipad.
too much screen time.
time for mom's summer reading list!
any good book suggestions for a sixth grade boy and a fourth grade girl?

i talked to my dear friend danielle today.
i just love her.
her friendship is an absolute blessing to me.
oh and guess what? she just bought a vintage aqua fridge to use as storage in her craft room.
now if that isn't awesome, i don't know what is.

i am spending much of my free time scouring this blog.
the organization on here makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
so much so that i spent seven hours yesterday reorganizing my kitchen cabinets.
true story!
last night i laid in bed and made a mental list of all the places in our house i want to organize now.
and then i cried myself to sleep because my list was too long. (just kidding)

last thing, and maybe the best of the day, i was hysterical over this video from jimmy fallon.
dying.
laughing.
maybe a snort or two.
good stuff.

really live.

i read the news this morning and it left me sickened.
bombing suspects mother thinks he was framed... four jail guards impregnated by inmate...kidnapped boy freed by his mother...barge explodes killing four....

it is so overwhelming.
how do we explain these things to our children?
how do we protect them from the horrors that are out there?
like the rest of the world, i'm still stunned by the boston bombings, reeling from the idea that something so celebratory could turn into something so gruesome.
my children are still young but old enough now to start remembering these things.
how will it shape them/scar them?

my oldest asks questions daily about the bombers...why did they want to hurt us?  why don't they like americans?  why do they think they'll go to heaven?  why did they hurt those people? 
and the most important one of all: will they try to hurt me?

the only thing i can do is to redirect him to the Lord.
i encourage him to pray about it.
i encourage him to share his fears and questions with God.
i encourage him to continue to love others as Jesus asks us to do.
i encourage him to live his life without fear, to live his life as he needs to, and to live, to really truly live.

spring blossoms.

i've been overwhelmed by my emotions lately.
everywhere i look, there are signs of birth, of renewal, the beauty of an awakening.
spring has officially arrived here in the south.
and it's a down-right beautiful thing to witness.

i guess i've always been too preoccupied to notice before, but i am so acutely aware of it now.
and maybe i've even fallen in love with spring in a way i never had before.
fall is still my favorite but spring is very close second.
the cherry blossoms alone may have clinched the deal.

i'm here. still kickin.

i sit here in the quiet of my dark house.
the sun is just now starting to make its way above the horizon in the eastern sky.
my people are still in their beds, every once in a while i hear someone shuffle around in their covers.
i just brewed a cup of coffee in my favorite black and white polka dot mug.
this lonely computer now feels like a stranger to me.
we rarely visit one another lately and i feel rather sad about that.

truth is i'm doing ok.
we are all so busy with the day-to-day stuff that makes up our lives.
work, homework, practices, projects, plans...you know it all well.
for me there's also a lot of praying and clinging and hoping thrown in there too--i'm still trying to do the best i can with this parenting thing.
the kids are getting older and that brings more and more challenges with it.
it's a struggle some days...and really and truly that's a huge understatement!

buck's up.  he just gave me a wet, stinky breathed lick on my hand.
he loves me.
he doesn't care that i haven't brushed my teeth and my hair is in a ratty bun on top of my head.
he doesn't mind my hulk hogan style sweatshirt and yesterday's mascara under my eyes.
he's pretty darn awesome like that.
i think he deserves a treat. :)

where was i...oh, yes, parenting.
so hard.
you know it well too, i'm sure.

then there's my little one across the sea.
reports from the orphanage are that he's doing well, walking better and even feeding himself now!
cause for celebration!
just wish, with all my momma heart, that we could be celebrating here together!
this week coming up is a big one.
wednesday and thursday russian officials are traveling her to talk to the US Dept of State and Citizenship and Immigration folks about the ban.
if you can, please pray for a miracle!
please pray for hearts to be changed and the gates to be opened so these children can be freed!
very important meeting to say the least.

oh, here comes ben.
i can hear him yawning at the top of the stairs.
yep, he's now climbing up on sofa and snuggling with me.
this boy, man alive.  he's just the greatest.
i know i say that all the time but he really is.
i just love him so much it's ridiculous.

did you know that ben turned SIX last month?
he sure did.
AND he blew out his candles on his birthday cake!

more soon.
promise.
(thanks melissa and poppy for reminding me that blogging is important too.)

i gotta run.
time to get dressed and meet up with nana for some yardsale-ing.
hoping for some great finds and hoping each of you have a wonderful weekend.
xo.

today...

today i watched a friend playing in the backyard with her sweet twin toddlers.
today i watched a man buy flowers in the grocery store for his wife.
today i listened to a girl talk about my oldest son and how funny he is.
i think she has a crush on him.

today i sat in the sun and watched the birds flit all over my yard.
today i watched a big fat bunny hop his way down the entire length of my fence.
i like to think he was meeting a friend for a cup of tea and some scones.

today i washed dishes and scrubbed my counter tops clean.
today i wore mint green, my favorite color of the moment.
today my new sandals from target came in the mail along with my new cuff bracelet from becky.



today ben and i watched america's funniest home videos and he said "UH OH!" the entire time.
today we had bagels with cream cheese and fresh strawberries for dinner.
today anna asked to sleep over my parents' house and they were happy she wanted to spend time with them.

today another IEP is in the books and we are grateful for ben's wonderful, caring teacher.
today boxes of sugar-free popsicles were $0.99 at the store.
ice cream sandwiches weren't on sale but i bought them anyway.
sunny fridays call for popsicles AND ice cream sandwiches.

today john and i spent some time together dreaming of our next big home improvement project.
plans will be sketched tonight and pinterest boards will be busy.
a little something like this perhaps...it is a dream after all.

source

life is busy and good.
the sun is shining and so am i.
happy weekend to you.

dark and stillness.

I awake to little foot steps down the hall and into my room.

I can feel his breath on my face as he leans in to be sure I am just  where I am supposed to be.

He climbs up and into my bed, under the covers and as close to me as possible.

I turn around to face him and wrap my arms around his small body, rubbing his back.

He nuzzles his face into my neck and quickly goes back to sleep.

…

This little boy is such a gift to us.

I sometimes think about my life before he was here, my life before I became a special needs mom.

Everything was so simple then, and everything seemed so easy and so… small.

I didn’t think so at the time, oh no, I complained and ranted about every little thing, I’m sure. But now, looking back, it was as if I were living in the dark, completely oblivious to the real world around me.

There is an awareness now that wasn’t there before, apathy that wasn’t there before, consideration that never existed in my thoughts or actions.

I feel so much, so, so, much more than I did before…I’m almost ashamed at my shallowness before ben came into my life.

…

Lying in my bed, snuggling with my baby boy, feeling his puppy breath on my face, his hands laced in mine, I cannot help but think of my little one across the globe.

There are thousands and thousands just like him.

I feel their yearning.

I feel their fear.

I feel their helplessness.

It knocks me down like a tall wave in a rumbling ocean.

…

I close my eyes and listen to ben’s breath.

I inhale the smell of his hair and rub his back.

He sighs in his sleep, and I smile to myself.

And there, in the stillness of the night and the darkness of my room, I give thanks.

today.

i am having a big, BIG case of the grumps today.

just warning ya.

but instead of griping about all the crappity crap crap that is happening, i'm gonna be grateful--list style.

***

things for which i am grateful.

by amy jupin

coffee

warm socks

hugs from my office mate

happy emails

encouragement

dishwashers

crockpots

pretty much all small appliances

progress on the bathroom

my jesus calling book

ben's giggles

good progress reports

bedtime

videos of davis

overnight mail service

prayers

yoga pants

sunsets

quiet and stillness

wet doggie noses

leftovers

my parents

glen hansard

kate

warm quilts

hugs

hope

 

tomorrow is a new day, another chance to live.

how blessed we all are.

let's not forget, ok?

and if we do (let's face it, crappy days will come!), let's be gentle on ourselves and remember what goodness surrounds us.

xo.

i will blog again. i will blog again. i will blog again...

i cannot tell you how many times i've opened up this little ol' blog of mine and stared at this blank screen.
i've watched the cursor blink at me over and over again while my head spins...but my hands stay still.
there is so much to say yet there is nothing to say.
maybe i've broken up with blogging.
i don't know.
i'm confused.
anywayzzzzzz...

*****
we have nothing positive to tell you about our adoption.
that's first and foremost.
and i know it's stinky.
i'm sorry.
the department of state and united states immigration have told us that russia is officially closed.
they continue to work and push the issues with officials at the highest levels, but right now, russia has said no exceptions.

i just can't tell you how this crushed my soul, how badly my heart is broken, and how hard it is to go on with the day-to-day minutiae of life.
i feel bad that i can't laugh freely or concentrate on anything for any length of time.
it feels fake and ridiculous.
i listen to other people plan their lives and go about their days, and i can't help but think that the things they worry about are a waste of time.
there are children that will waste away to nothingness!  can't you people understand how horrible this is??!!  it's over.  my son is not coming home.  there is no hope. 
i just want to yell at them and shake them and show them the pictures in my mind of the orphanage and my little boy, barely able to walk at almost SIX years old, hoping they might understand the urgency, the enormity of all of this.
but i can't.
and the pain is smothering me.
our agency has hired an attorney and we have submitted private appeal letters.
the judge has accepted the letters but we have no idea if she will reject them or what may happen next.
all i do know is there will be more waiting.
and more gray hairs.


*****

we have started to remodel our downstairs bathroom--a distraction of sorts--and john has worked hard to get it ready for new tile, a new sink and new wainscoting.
i picked out the classics: hexagon tile, a school house style pedestal sink, a faucet with white enamel handles with hot and cold written on them.
i think it will look great but it's going to take a while.
these things don't happen quickly especially with three kiddos around.

*****


a couple of weeks ago, we met with josh's teachers about his grades.
after the start of the new year, his grades dropped drastically.
he was struggling and having a really poor attitude.
we sat him down and had a big talk, met with his teachers and made a plan, and really asked him to TRY.
something must have clicked, thank the Lord!, because his grades are a thousand times better and so is his effort.
he is trying so hard and that's all we can ask for.

i will admit it here, because i know you guys get it, but i cried when i talked to his teachers.
i couldn't help it.
they were all so sweet and really care about him and it was very moving.
they told us how badly they want the best for him and it touched me deeply--and again i found myself feeling so much respect for teachers and their calling in life.


anna has been getting in trouble for talking in school almost every day...just like her mother. :)
ben has met lots of his iep goals this year (yay ben!) and we are meeting with his teachers in about a month to update his iep.
prayers are welcomed!
both anna and ben love our new trampoline and spend almost every afternoon hanging out together.
best christmas present ever.

  

 

*****
i think about davis every second of every day.
just today i thought about how i still need to order his easter basket so his basket can match the other kids.
i wonder if he thinks about us and misses us at all.
i wonder if he sleeps with the quilt we left for him.
i wonder if he ever looks at our pictures.

the other night, out of the blue, josh told me he wished davis was here (at our house).
josh and anna both pray for davis every night, that he's safe and cared for and that he can be a part of our family soon.
i pray for the very same things too.

*****
 hope y'all are doing well.
maybe this blogging thing will take off again or maybe not.
guess we'll just have to see.
until next time, friends...