july. marching on.

 

this is hard.
i want to keep on blogging but it feels forced and uncomfortable.
i wish things were different, that davis was home, that it all worked out and i could write to you all exclaiming the happy news and we could move on happily and easily.
and the writing would feel easy and sharing my thoughts would come freely and openly, like they used to.
but sometimes life isn't easy, is it?
and neither is writing.
but i'm not ready to give up just yet.

 time is certainly helping.
it is a healer of sorts, time is, helping me forget the painful details and move forward with the other things that need my focus.
time marches forward like a soldier, on to the next orders, the next demand, on to the next day, never looking back.
it is relentless.

 

i have no idea how it is nearing the end of july already.
wasn't it just may?
nevertheless, we are gearing up for the start of school and the return of a more structured schedule.
new backpacks showed up in my mailbox this week and football cleats are tops on the to-do list.
practices are starting, back to school emails floating, summer reading books started.
it'll be here before you know it.
before i know it.

we escaped to the gulf again last weekend.
we are madly in love with our home and our dock and all of it.
truth:  i have never felt relaxed on vacation before. 
sad, but true.
i am a homebody and maybe a clean freak, i don't know.
but having my own place, my own bed, my own sofa, my own silverware...it just helps calm me.
and i can enjoy the house and the beach like i haven't ever been able to before, surrounded by our own stuff.
it's very much an awesome thing.

at the beach house, i changed out a few plates, hung up a new piece of art and even made plans to revamp our outside shower. 
it's like the old me is still in there, slowly working her way back to the surface for a breath or two.

back at our regular ol' house, i am working on changing our bedroom.
we painted (my mother's day gift), i bought a few new pillow shams, a new (very old) painting, curtains, etc.
it's coming together and i think i like it.
furniture is soooo expensive.
pisses me off actually.
so i can only change the cheap stuff but it does make a big difference.

josh is becoming quite the fisherman.
he lives, eats, breathes, fishing.
it's awesome.
anna is into bracelet making and drawing and painting and front handsprings.
it's awesome too.
ben is into dancing and jumping and running and basketball and baseball and volley ball and swimming and...it's tiring.
but awesome.

we are good.
we are still here and all is well.
i've missed this place.
i've missed my blog friends.
it's nice to see you again.
:)

etsy shop update.

i don't know if any of you still read this little blog or not...but just in case...

the shop has been updated with all of my favorite fabrics.
it's painful to let go of some of these.
tears may have been shed and my stomach may be in knots.
but i'm trying to follow the same advice i always give my kiddos: share with your friends.
:)

*****

anna is celebrating her ninth birthday today.
forgive me for the short post but there is a big slice of birthday cake calling my name.
hooray for saturday!

getting my spring on.

yesterday was warm and breezy.
the kids spent most of the day outside playing, and i spent most of the day inside decorating.

i opened the windows and the back door so the smell of spring could fill the house.
i was tired of the dusty books and candles of my winter decor and couldn't wait to lighten things up.
i think it's a good start.

p.s. i wanted to pull out my sea shell collection and put starfish everywhere but maybe it's a tad bit too early for that.  i'm just so dang excited for summer!

i will blog again. i will blog again. i will blog again...

i cannot tell you how many times i've opened up this little ol' blog of mine and stared at this blank screen.
i've watched the cursor blink at me over and over again while my head spins...but my hands stay still.
there is so much to say yet there is nothing to say.
maybe i've broken up with blogging.
i don't know.
i'm confused.
anywayzzzzzz...

*****
we have nothing positive to tell you about our adoption.
that's first and foremost.
and i know it's stinky.
i'm sorry.
the department of state and united states immigration have told us that russia is officially closed.
they continue to work and push the issues with officials at the highest levels, but right now, russia has said no exceptions.

i just can't tell you how this crushed my soul, how badly my heart is broken, and how hard it is to go on with the day-to-day minutiae of life.
i feel bad that i can't laugh freely or concentrate on anything for any length of time.
it feels fake and ridiculous.
i listen to other people plan their lives and go about their days, and i can't help but think that the things they worry about are a waste of time.
there are children that will waste away to nothingness!  can't you people understand how horrible this is??!!  it's over.  my son is not coming home.  there is no hope. 
i just want to yell at them and shake them and show them the pictures in my mind of the orphanage and my little boy, barely able to walk at almost SIX years old, hoping they might understand the urgency, the enormity of all of this.
but i can't.
and the pain is smothering me.
our agency has hired an attorney and we have submitted private appeal letters.
the judge has accepted the letters but we have no idea if she will reject them or what may happen next.
all i do know is there will be more waiting.
and more gray hairs.


*****

we have started to remodel our downstairs bathroom--a distraction of sorts--and john has worked hard to get it ready for new tile, a new sink and new wainscoting.
i picked out the classics: hexagon tile, a school house style pedestal sink, a faucet with white enamel handles with hot and cold written on them.
i think it will look great but it's going to take a while.
these things don't happen quickly especially with three kiddos around.

*****


a couple of weeks ago, we met with josh's teachers about his grades.
after the start of the new year, his grades dropped drastically.
he was struggling and having a really poor attitude.
we sat him down and had a big talk, met with his teachers and made a plan, and really asked him to TRY.
something must have clicked, thank the Lord!, because his grades are a thousand times better and so is his effort.
he is trying so hard and that's all we can ask for.

i will admit it here, because i know you guys get it, but i cried when i talked to his teachers.
i couldn't help it.
they were all so sweet and really care about him and it was very moving.
they told us how badly they want the best for him and it touched me deeply--and again i found myself feeling so much respect for teachers and their calling in life.


anna has been getting in trouble for talking in school almost every day...just like her mother. :)
ben has met lots of his iep goals this year (yay ben!) and we are meeting with his teachers in about a month to update his iep.
prayers are welcomed!
both anna and ben love our new trampoline and spend almost every afternoon hanging out together.
best christmas present ever.

  

 

*****
i think about davis every second of every day.
just today i thought about how i still need to order his easter basket so his basket can match the other kids.
i wonder if he thinks about us and misses us at all.
i wonder if he sleeps with the quilt we left for him.
i wonder if he ever looks at our pictures.

the other night, out of the blue, josh told me he wished davis was here (at our house).
josh and anna both pray for davis every night, that he's safe and cared for and that he can be a part of our family soon.
i pray for the very same things too.

*****
 hope y'all are doing well.
maybe this blogging thing will take off again or maybe not.
guess we'll just have to see.
until next time, friends...

a few things.

1. i adore this home tour.
like want to redo all my christmas stuff and copy her adore this home tour.
it's so pretty!

photo from here.  

2. i made these cookies today for the kids.
they are our favorite chocolate chip cookies.
and i've tried every recipe out there.
i don't flatten them that much, just a little.
it makes a ton of cookies so just freeze half the dough and use it later.

3. i am washing fabric to make pajama bottoms for the kids for Christmas.
i don't know why i feel the need to do this but i am gonna try.
am i a glutton for punishment or do i really think i can do this?
we're gonna find out.

4. i'm obsessed with the harry connick jr. holiday station on pandora.
tv--off.
harry--ON.

5. by the way, we leave in five days.
five days!
i think i'm ready.
oh gosh, who am i kidding?
i'm freaking out!
my mind is racing a jillion miles a second and fear is all up in my business.
so of course it makes perfect sense that i would open my daily devotional this morning and read this:

"Be willing to go out on a limb with Me. If that is where i am leading you, it is the safest place to be. Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief. Your longing to live close to Me is at odds with your attempts to minimize risk. You are approaching a crossroads in your journey.  In order to follow Me wholeheartedly, you must relinquish your tendency to play it safe. Let Me lead you step by step..."

ouch.

"Your desire to live a risk-free life is a form of unbelief."

that hurt.
but i hear You.
i'm listening--i'm just a little shaky that's all.
five days.
praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ!

nutcrackers.

i was wandering around hobby lobby a couple months ago and came across these nutcrackers.
they were 50% off so i threw them in my basket.
honestly, i totally forgot i even bought them until this past weekend while i was searching in the craft room for something else.
i never found what i was looking for, but the little kids seemed so happy to have something fun to do.
i covered the table with newspaper and gathered every paint brush in the house.
ben did so well and he painted most of the front by himself.
i did paint his a little bit, just to finish it, but used the same colors he chose.
anna wanted hers to have a smiley face and some pink and purple.
josh came in much later, after we had finished, and was happy to see there was one waiting for him.
his had a sword even--bonus points for mom.

home and comfort.

ben is my shadow.
as we sit together at the breakfast table, he pulls his chair close to mine and makes sure our legs touch.
he follows me to the back porch, the laundry room, even the bathroom.
he followed me all around the house while i snapped these photos too.
he's been feeling under the weather, and i have too, so this sweet thing we have going has been extra special to me.
he looks to me for his comfort and as a mother, that's all i've ever wanted.
our house is starting to feel like Christmas--even if it's 75 degrees outside and we are all wearing t-shirts and flip flops.
my favorite dresser in the living room was decorated by a certain five year old and i love it.