thoughts on being brave.

i've been thinking a lot lately.
thinking about being brave, letting go of all control, handing everything over to God...

one of my friends is watching his love and best friend move far away from him.
another friend is taking her kids on their first trip after a tough divorce, her first time as the only parent.
another friend is counting down the days until she crosses the world to meet her new daughter, a child she's never met.
another friend has found love again and all the scariness that comes along with allowing yourself to love someone new...

 
i see these beautiful people in my life and i think to myself, "wow, they are so brave."
they are brave; for different reasons, because of different circumstances, some willingly, some not.
when we announced we were going to adopt, we had so many people tell us how brave we are.
but i didn't feel brave then.
i certainly don't feel brave now.
i'm scared out of my mind taking on what we've signed up to do.
hopeful? yes.
feeling called? yes.
brave? heck no.

what makes a person brave?
the mother who is giving her kids a summer trip to the beach while she herself is still grieving over a painful divorce.
the mother who is scared of driving so far "alone", afraid of flying solo after almost 17 years of having someone by her side.
the mother who despite her own sadness and insecurities is willing to push herself, her work schedule, her budget, and just go for it because she knows it is something the kids deserve--she knows it is best for them and so she goes, she does, she makes due.
that is brave.
that is giving it all up to God, placing your fears in His capable hands.
understanding that without Him, there is no where to turn.

 

so many times, and i mean like DAILY, i think i'm in control.
i get frustrated and angry.
i get annoyed and upset and disappointed.
and if i'm being completely honest, i fill myself with self-pity and self-righteousness.

i don't deserve to be treated like this!

who do they think they are?

why does this always happen to me?

why does everyone else get their way and i don't?

boo hoo.  poor me.

all this complaining leaves me drained.
deflated.
right back where i started.

living like that is not being brave.
it's not finding contentment in my blessings.
it's not giving it all i have.
it's not my best.
or my bravest.

truth is, i want to be brave.
i want to throw all of my fears and worries into God's open hands.
i want to say, "take it all.  it belongs to you.  I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY."
that is exactly how brave i want to be.

i'm trying.

today we received an email from our adoption agency.
davis' region is still trying to clear some red tape.
apparently, it's not easy and this is continuing to drag on.
while i can't imagine how difficult this may be, my patience has worn thread-bare.
we have no idea how long it's going to take or when we may travel.

i'm trying to be brave.
i'm trying to remember that He is in control.
this situation is in His capable hands.
tonight i'm going to bed with this prayer in my heart.