it's only been six months.

let's get this blog updated why don't we!

let's start with the obvious:  i am still healing.
it is taking much, much longer than i ever expected.
and if i'm being completely honest with you, i still look at davis' picture almost every day.
i look straight into his little face and i apologize for failing him.
that's how i feel--like i could have worked harder or completed my paperwork faster or pushed myself in some other way--to get to him faster.
i almost can't believe it all happened, like it's a bad nightmare that i can't seem to shake.
i'm working on it.

we received our invitation to travel to jude's country in early august.
unfortunately, his paperwork was not ready yet so we had to miss our appointment.
major bummer.
we hope to be able to travel in november now!
deep breath and fingers crossed!
if you could pray for putin to go away and leave all neighboring countries alone forever, i would be so grateful.

so many wonderful things have been happening in our family.
the children all returned to school!  (see what i mean?  wonderful!)
josh started middle school/junior high and has amazed me with how well he transitioned.
he is such a good kid, even though he struggles with keeping up with his homework and helping out around the house.
but then again, what 12 year old doesn't, right?

anna started fifth grade and is doing great.
she is crazy about her science class and the fact that she recently was named the class "reptile manager".
perfect.

like josh, ben changed schools too, continuing with our city's special education program.
the first week or so was Rough.
with a capital R.
but now, oh man.
now, he's found his groove and he is loving his new class.
we have all settled in and it feels so good to be back in a rhythm again.

john is going back to school to get another master's degree.
overachiever, that one.
i can barely find enough energy to get a shower every day.
he's out getting degrees.
nuts.

we got a new dog.
his name is tater and he's a goof ball.
i think i like him.
even though he pees all over my house and i keep repeating, "why can't i have anything nice?!!"

miss kitty still isn't sure about him*.
he pounces on her every chance he can get.
*might have something to do with it.

i'm getting tired of typing (tragedy! i've obviously lost my blogging stamina!).
so quickly...
josh quit football.  (too much practicing, all the days and nights.......)
anna is playing volleyball (loves it.  she's a beast.)
ben is playing soccer (so far -- meh.)
i still wanna own my own store. (no $. story of my life.)
i'm obsessed with the show fixer upper.
joanna gaines.
oh my lawd.

i think that's about it.
it's just a little summary that i'm not really proud of but hey, i wrote it.
and we lived it.
and now i'm gonna hit publish and give myself some grace.

he's a hugger.

we just got back from a week at the beach.
the weather was weird, every day was something different and much cooler then we had hoped.
still, we were all together and at a place that we love, so there were still many memories made.

for me, one thing i want to remember, is ben giving out hugs on the boardwalk in orange beach.

we were walking out to the beach and ben chose the longest path for us to take.
it was warm and a little sunny and ben and anna were barreling down the walkway, giddy to be heading to the beach.
there weren't many people walking out but a few walking back.
ben ran up to each one and hugged them, all the while i was apologizing, "i'm sorry, please excuse us..."
no one seemed to mind but i really wanted ben to just let them pass by.

right before we reached the end of the walkway, an older man was approaching and ben was so enthusiastic about hugging him.
the man smiled so big and hugged ben right back.
i did my usual, "sorry!" and he stopped quickly.
"for what?" he asked.
"some people are bothered by him so i..." i fumbled.
"well, that's THEIR problem!" he said smiling and reached down to hug ben again.

by now we were at the beach so we all ran down and played with our children and i kept thinking about what that man said.

when we were ready to leave and head back to our car, we once again had to make our way back on the long boardwalk.
ben and anna ran ahead of us once again and this time, when ben hugged each person on our way back, i didn't apologize.
i watched instead.

and i saw each person smile and hug him back and it was almost as if he brought out something sweet and kind in each one of them.
when he approached them, at first they didn't quite know what to do.
but then he would wrap his little arms around them and each person couldn't help but smile.  and giggle.
and laugh.
but mostly smile.

ben was spreading love and acceptance up and down that entire beach all by himself.

and instead of apologizing, i said things like, "he's a hugger!", "he always hugs the prettiest girls!", "you're next!"

and it was so much fun letting my son be exactly who he wanted to be.
and enjoying him.
and that is a memory that i hope i never, ever forget.

it changed me.

january observations.

here we are at january 19th already.
january is always a blur.
the hoopla of the holidays is behind us and i think we all crave the stillness and pause of january.
the kids are getting back into the swing of things and i've welcomed routine back into our home with open arms.
except for homework.
homework is never welcomed with open arms.
ever.
i digress.
i'm kinda in the mood for writing a list of all my january daily notes so here goes:

--all three kids brought home great report cards.  i'm so proud of them.

--anna has been having some emotional outbursts lately.  either she's jealous of the boys, or seeking attention, or both.  i have a feeling her hormones are going wild.  i don't know how mothers with lots of daughters handle it.  (i'm talking to you, danielle farley!)

--i would pay someone to trim ben's finger and toenails.  i have done it for almost seven years now and i've finally had enough.  i'm sourcing it out.  interested parties apply within.

--josh and john are twins.  it's terrifying at times.  and wonderful at other times.  but mostly terrifying.

--i'm freezing.  i'm counting down the days until spring rolls in.  winter is not my favorite.

--i was on pinterest the other day and i was loving every single thing on there.  i even said out loud "this is the best pinterest board ever!  i love it all!"  and then i realized i was on my own pinterest board.  i'm a dork.

--is blogging over?  i notice less and less blogs still going strong.  that makes me feel so sad.  but here are a few of my favorites lately, all new to me, very different and very, very beautiful:

the beetle shack
heart handmade
shine
me and alice
hello from the natos

--i have found myself in situation after situation, over the past year or so, where i just can't imagine getting through things without help from the Lord.  nothing in my own simple mind can make sense of things without Him.  i think about times in my life where i sinned, failed, made terrible choices, etc. and in each situation, i felt like i was in control.  so foolish.  now i feel like i am never in control, that nothing is ever possible without God.  and there is a peace that comes over me like i've never known.  and this peace is grace.  maybe i'm just now getting it, but man, I GET IT.  and it is such relief.

--i love lists.  they make me happy.

that is all for today.
c'mon spring.

our life. today.

ben is obsessed with the gummi bear song on youtube.
and the show pocoyo, especially the camping episode.
and the scene in the movie 'cars' where mater and lightning mcqueen go tractor tippin--only that one scene.
he can now write his name pretty well and shocked us all by writing it on my shopping list.
he climbs in our bed every single night and sleeps best when he's next to us.
to be completely honest, i love this and i hate this, at the same time.
i miss sleeping through the night and i miss sleeping next to john.
hoping this is a phase and it will pass soon!

anna walks around the house singing the national anthem all the live long day.
"oooohh, say can you see...."
it's cute.
she's cute.
i love hearing her sing.
acting class is over so she's only taking gymnastics now.

she hates reading but loves when i read to her.
we just finished "little house in the big woods" and are starting "the indian in the cupboard".
i love "the indian in the cupboard".
i read it in 4th grade too, and it has stayed with me all this time.
same with the book "the yearling"--i remember thinking "the yearling" seemed like such a big book for me, but i loved it so much.
tell me you've read both of these!  so good.

josh has been sick off and on all week, maybe the stomach flu.
he comes in our room in the middle of the night and says "help me!"
scares me to death.
but usually he just needs some tylenol and a hug.
i am so sad that he's going to miss his last football game today.
he's been running a fever all night and feels horrible.
i see lots of couch time, naps and snuggles today...if he'll let me. ;)

i went to the thrift store yesterday and found some good buys.
i couldn't believe it, but i only bought clothes.
these dang kids have each grown a foot! from last year, not exaggerating, so they each need all new pants and shirts and coats.
ben is wearing almost all of josh's size 7 hand-me-downs.
anna and josh are both on the borderline where they could wear adult clothing in an extra small or a kids extra large.
my nine year old is wearing a girls 14-16.
what the what??

it seems like it's turned from summer to fall/winter overnight.
this morning there was frost everywhere and our back steps were slippery.
most of our plants bit the dust from the frost, and the grass is starting to turn yellow again.
we actually grew a few gourds in our "garden" and they are ready to cut and add to the pumpkins on the porch.

i have been thinking about Christmas all week long--what gifts to buy, how i want to decorate, cleaning up and clearing out.
simplify, simplify, simplify.
we are only two months away.
sounds crazy, but i'm excited.

march, april and may. the recap.

march and april came and went.
ben turned SIX and we went to the beach.
it was chilly most of our time there but still, we were together doing practically nothing.
glorious.

josh turned ELEVEN and decided, for the first time, that he wanted one big gift instead of a birthday party. (the kids get to choose one or the other but not both)
he chose a paint ball gun.
heaven help me.



anna turned NINE and had a sleep over.
only one girl stayed until morning.
these girls and the drama.



josh gave up baseball and asked to play soccer instead.
he loves it and is learning more and more each practice.
it's amazing how much happier he is.

anna is still playing softball and doing gymnastics.
she hit her first home run a few weeks ago, and just this week, she hit a GRAND SLAM!
she also learned how to do a one-handed cartwheel and a front hand spring.
and had some art in the art show again.



ben has learned so much this year.
he's talking so much more and understands so much.
his favorite toys are a beach ball and a half of a pool noodle that he drags everywhere--our makeshift bat and ball for inside the house.
he can hit that ball like a champ!



he's learning to bump a volleyball and kick into a soccer goal too.
sitting still is not his specialty!



when we were at the beach in march, we found a house on the bay that we fell in love with.
we have spent years dreaming about owning a place at the gulf but everything was still too expensive and out of our reach.
when we found this little cottage, it felt like home in so many ways that it honestly surprised me.
and when we couldn't get it out of our minds, we decided to take a chance.
we are now proud owners of a little periwinkle cottage on mobile bay.





yesterday was davis' SIXth birthday.
even though the situation with russia is still unknown, he is still so much a part of our family.
what i wouldn't do to be there with him.
i pray he was celebrated and showered with love!
thank you all for remembering him in your prayers.

we are in the midst of end of the year school parties and awards ceremonies.
next week is the last week of school and then summer is officially here.
i can't wait for the slower pace and for all the activities to be over.
we are all craving some down time and a nice long break from all the crazy.
just one more week...

i'm here. still kickin.

i sit here in the quiet of my dark house.
the sun is just now starting to make its way above the horizon in the eastern sky.
my people are still in their beds, every once in a while i hear someone shuffle around in their covers.
i just brewed a cup of coffee in my favorite black and white polka dot mug.
this lonely computer now feels like a stranger to me.
we rarely visit one another lately and i feel rather sad about that.

truth is i'm doing ok.
we are all so busy with the day-to-day stuff that makes up our lives.
work, homework, practices, projects, plans...you know it all well.
for me there's also a lot of praying and clinging and hoping thrown in there too--i'm still trying to do the best i can with this parenting thing.
the kids are getting older and that brings more and more challenges with it.
it's a struggle some days...and really and truly that's a huge understatement!

buck's up.  he just gave me a wet, stinky breathed lick on my hand.
he loves me.
he doesn't care that i haven't brushed my teeth and my hair is in a ratty bun on top of my head.
he doesn't mind my hulk hogan style sweatshirt and yesterday's mascara under my eyes.
he's pretty darn awesome like that.
i think he deserves a treat. :)

where was i...oh, yes, parenting.
so hard.
you know it well too, i'm sure.

then there's my little one across the sea.
reports from the orphanage are that he's doing well, walking better and even feeding himself now!
cause for celebration!
just wish, with all my momma heart, that we could be celebrating here together!
this week coming up is a big one.
wednesday and thursday russian officials are traveling her to talk to the US Dept of State and Citizenship and Immigration folks about the ban.
if you can, please pray for a miracle!
please pray for hearts to be changed and the gates to be opened so these children can be freed!
very important meeting to say the least.

oh, here comes ben.
i can hear him yawning at the top of the stairs.
yep, he's now climbing up on sofa and snuggling with me.
this boy, man alive.  he's just the greatest.
i know i say that all the time but he really is.
i just love him so much it's ridiculous.

did you know that ben turned SIX last month?
he sure did.
AND he blew out his candles on his birthday cake!

more soon.
promise.
(thanks melissa and poppy for reminding me that blogging is important too.)

i gotta run.
time to get dressed and meet up with nana for some yardsale-ing.
hoping for some great finds and hoping each of you have a wonderful weekend.
xo.

dark and stillness.

I awake to little foot steps down the hall and into my room.

I can feel his breath on my face as he leans in to be sure I am just  where I am supposed to be.

He climbs up and into my bed, under the covers and as close to me as possible.

I turn around to face him and wrap my arms around his small body, rubbing his back.

He nuzzles his face into my neck and quickly goes back to sleep.

…

This little boy is such a gift to us.

I sometimes think about my life before he was here, my life before I became a special needs mom.

Everything was so simple then, and everything seemed so easy and so… small.

I didn’t think so at the time, oh no, I complained and ranted about every little thing, I’m sure. But now, looking back, it was as if I were living in the dark, completely oblivious to the real world around me.

There is an awareness now that wasn’t there before, apathy that wasn’t there before, consideration that never existed in my thoughts or actions.

I feel so much, so, so, much more than I did before…I’m almost ashamed at my shallowness before ben came into my life.

…

Lying in my bed, snuggling with my baby boy, feeling his puppy breath on my face, his hands laced in mine, I cannot help but think of my little one across the globe.

There are thousands and thousands just like him.

I feel their yearning.

I feel their fear.

I feel their helplessness.

It knocks me down like a tall wave in a rumbling ocean.

…

I close my eyes and listen to ben’s breath.

I inhale the smell of his hair and rub his back.

He sighs in his sleep, and I smile to myself.

And there, in the stillness of the night and the darkness of my room, I give thanks.

home and comfort.

ben is my shadow.
as we sit together at the breakfast table, he pulls his chair close to mine and makes sure our legs touch.
he follows me to the back porch, the laundry room, even the bathroom.
he followed me all around the house while i snapped these photos too.
he's been feeling under the weather, and i have too, so this sweet thing we have going has been extra special to me.
he looks to me for his comfort and as a mother, that's all i've ever wanted.
our house is starting to feel like Christmas--even if it's 75 degrees outside and we are all wearing t-shirts and flip flops.
my favorite dresser in the living room was decorated by a certain five year old and i love it.