jude: an adoption update and an auction!

way back in january we committed to a little boy named jude.
we blogged about it in march.
remember way back when?

well we have been busy and things have been progressing!
we completed our paperwork in may and were invited to travel in august.
unfortunately jude's paperwork wasn't ready when we were, so we are now requesting travel for november.
did you catch that?!
we are requesting to travel in just a few short weeks!

in fact, he has already begun his required TB testing this week!
AND just to send our happy meter off the charts, last thursday, he was told he has a family.
i can't even imagine his thoughts, his excitement, his emotions!!
it's almost too much to handle, isn't it?!

now that we are getting so much closer, it's time for some fundraising!
i'll admit, i'm nervous about this part.
when we tried to adopt our sweet davis boy, we raised about $13,000.
our russian adoption expenses took every last penny and then some.
so when we began this adoption we knew that money was gone.
we have paid for all of our expenses so far but in the next few months, our needs are going to grow exponentially.
airfare alone for one trip is running around $4500--and we have to take 2-3 trips depending on when we are assigned a court date!
we need help.

our first fundraiser is an instagram auction TOMORROW!! (from 1-9 pm)
so many INCREDIBLE items have been donated to help us!
we would be honored if you would check it out and bid on some awesome stuff!
100% of the money raised goes directly to our adoption fund.
every last cent.
praise Jesus!
all you have to do is go to the instagram app and follow @auctionforjude for all the details!
i'll post some pics here tomorrow to remind/tease ya! ;)

i can't end this post without thanking all of the shops and lovely ladies who have generously supported us for this auction.
even if we don't raise a dime, we feel so blessed.
xo!

more goodness.

another quick list.

--i am loving american idol.
of course i am.
harry's owning it.
and harry is my favorite.
you know that.

--i forgot to mention the blog cranny and me the other day.
today, her post moved me beyond words.
it was just perfect.

"I'd like to banish the idea that ministry, or marriage, or life, has a honeymoon stage. If we are honest, we know, we absolutely know that life will have its difficulties. And if we believe in the sovereignty of God, we also know that those deserts, those difficult times, are for our good and the glory of God as much as the mountain-top experiences."

a million times yes.

--and good night! have you read this post shannan wrote yesterday??
just so on point for exactly, precisely, scarily where i am and what i'm feeling.
creepy really.

"That is where my pitiful humanity wrecks this gift of loneliness. Over and over, rather than fixing my eyes on the One who loves me best, I frantically scan the horizon-line for a jeans-and-sneaks person to save me. "..."It is our unequivocal duty to love the lonely. We should be linking arms with the outcast, remembering that sometimes the outcast wears $200 jeans and drives and Audi. Sometimes the lonely sits in a nursing home, but she also sits next to us on the bleachers at gymnastics practice."

--and lastly, this, this and this. (from here)

hi you. it's hump day!

it's been one of those days when all i want to do is be outside.

right now i'm sitting on the patio, watching ben and anna play on the trampoline.

i can hear kiddos running all over the neighborhood, playing football (where josh is), riding bikes, playing in the cul-de-sac.

it's cool outside, but still warm enough for shorts and a t-shirt.

i'm just going through some recent pics on the laptop.

and i'm kinda thinking i should have brought a cold beer out here with me...

the tops of the trees are just starting to change colors.

john has been spending a lot of his free time building a new play house/fort for the kids.

it's loosely based on this design.

the kids are already planning their first sleep over in it.

josh and ben like to beat each other silly.

i think it's a guy thing.

sleeping with the windows open...one of my most favorite things ever.

bonnie is 16 years old.

she's starting to act senile and has terrible arthritis.

but yet she's still quick enough to catch a bird.

amazing old girl.

our garden is a nothing more than a huge patch of weeds.

i can't tell you how many times i just wanted john to weed whack it.

but somehow, miraculously, there are zinnias blooming and even a few gourds.

this boy.

he can be sweet as pie.

i treasure those moments.

some time he can be...well...nevermind.

i'm sticking with the sweet.

and this girl.

oh when she tells a story, she just comes ALiVe!

this story was about an armadillo.

and this pic?

it needs no caption whatsoever.

now about that beer...

things that make me happy.

-the way my mom says "later" when we hang up the phone.
-when ben says "shoo-wee!!" every time he farts.
-when josh asks me tuck him in at night.
-hearing john say "love you baby" at the end of each phone call.
-when blythe texts me for decorating advice.
-my office coffee club.
-dark chocolate espresso bits.
-gap pajama bottoms.
-handmade lemon sorbet lip balm.
-anna's new acting class.
-when ben holds his puppy dog stuffed animal and pretends it is licking my face.
-pink geraniums.
-dolphins swimming near our dock.
-the way my dad misses ben when he's at school.
-watching josh make a big run during a football game.
-reading the book kisses from katie and feeling like love is everything.
-when anna takes pictures.
-talking to tricia all morning long.
-when ben brings home school work and his smiles while i gush over it.
-no homework.
-cool, crisp mornings.
-clean sheets and a stack of books next to my bed.
-knowing that i made a friend smile by writing something mushy about her on fb.

these little things...they all add up.
happiness is all around us.
notice it.
look for it.
make a list if you need to.
even in our darkest days, happiness is close by.

etsy shop update.

i don't know if any of you still read this little blog or not...but just in case...

the shop has been updated with all of my favorite fabrics.
it's painful to let go of some of these.
tears may have been shed and my stomach may be in knots.
but i'm trying to follow the same advice i always give my kiddos: share with your friends.
:)

*****

anna is celebrating her ninth birthday today.
forgive me for the short post but there is a big slice of birthday cake calling my name.
hooray for saturday!

today...

today i watched a friend playing in the backyard with her sweet twin toddlers.
today i watched a man buy flowers in the grocery store for his wife.
today i listened to a girl talk about my oldest son and how funny he is.
i think she has a crush on him.

today i sat in the sun and watched the birds flit all over my yard.
today i watched a big fat bunny hop his way down the entire length of my fence.
i like to think he was meeting a friend for a cup of tea and some scones.

today i washed dishes and scrubbed my counter tops clean.
today i wore mint green, my favorite color of the moment.
today my new sandals from target came in the mail along with my new cuff bracelet from becky.



today ben and i watched america's funniest home videos and he said "UH OH!" the entire time.
today we had bagels with cream cheese and fresh strawberries for dinner.
today anna asked to sleep over my parents' house and they were happy she wanted to spend time with them.

today another IEP is in the books and we are grateful for ben's wonderful, caring teacher.
today boxes of sugar-free popsicles were $0.99 at the store.
ice cream sandwiches weren't on sale but i bought them anyway.
sunny fridays call for popsicles AND ice cream sandwiches.

today john and i spent some time together dreaming of our next big home improvement project.
plans will be sketched tonight and pinterest boards will be busy.
a little something like this perhaps...it is a dream after all.

source

life is busy and good.
the sun is shining and so am i.
happy weekend to you.

today.

i am having a big, BIG case of the grumps today.

just warning ya.

but instead of griping about all the crappity crap crap that is happening, i'm gonna be grateful--list style.

***

things for which i am grateful.

by amy jupin

coffee

warm socks

hugs from my office mate

happy emails

encouragement

dishwashers

crockpots

pretty much all small appliances

progress on the bathroom

my jesus calling book

ben's giggles

good progress reports

bedtime

videos of davis

overnight mail service

prayers

yoga pants

sunsets

quiet and stillness

wet doggie noses

leftovers

my parents

glen hansard

kate

warm quilts

hugs

hope

 

tomorrow is a new day, another chance to live.

how blessed we all are.

let's not forget, ok?

and if we do (let's face it, crappy days will come!), let's be gentle on ourselves and remember what goodness surrounds us.

xo.

merry Christmas!

we're home safe and sound.
a piece of our hearts remains overseas but Christmas is upon us.

today i baked cookies, wrapped presents, filled our pantry with lots of good food and visited with a friend.
i also sat down at my kitchen table and had a good cry.
this year i've been given the gift of perspective.
i'm anxious and eager for the coming of the new year and all that it has to bring.

wishing you peace, love and HOPE this holiday season and in 2013.
merry Christmas from the jupin family!

saying goodbye.

we awoke in the darkness again and laid together silently in our bed.
the alarm kept going off and i kept hitting snooze.
john didn't want to move and neither did i--i think, subconsciously, neither of us wanted this morning to come.

we dressed and got ready in silence.
i packed my bag to take to the orphanage with our picture book, tissues, my cell phone and the quilt i brought to give to davis.
i sat on the end of the bed and ate a cliff bar and drank some bottled water.
we moved slowly around the chilly room waiting for 9:00 to come.

the drive to the orphanage was bitter cold.
we shivered in the car and my hands were freezing even in my gloves.
john leaned over and whispered to me "i wonder if the orphanage gets cold at night.  davis' hands are always so cold."
i just shrugged and tried not to let the sadness consume me right then and there.

we turned down the snowy lane and i tried to memorize each twist and turn on the path to the orphanage.
i don't know, maybe i was thinking that one day i might have to find him myself so i need to remember the way.
silly, isn't it?
we stood outside of the orphanage waiting for the workers to let us in.
after a minute or two we rang the bell and a lady finally came to the door.
we went inside and stomped the snow off of our boots, then we walked the long dark hall to the stairs.
we passed by a big bulletin board with some of the children's photographs on it.
i saw so many children that i recognized and i smiled knowing that families are working their way to them.
the children don't know it yet, but their lives are going to be turned upside down in the best way in this new year.
i smiled just thinking about the good times to come for them...

up the stairs and into our little visiting room again.
we took off our coats and waited.
by now, davis knows exactly what to expect and he was full of smiles for us!
praise Jesus he was feeling well and no fever!
he was dressed in the same outfit as yesterday afternoon and looked so handsome.

the psychiatrist joined us for a little while and we asked both her and the director about davis' eating habits.
he eats good.  he eats everything. khah-rah-shoh (that means 'good, fine' but i have no idea how to spell it but this is how you say it.)
that's great news.
we will definitely be bringing him some drinks and snacks on the next trip then.
we couldn't think of any more questions so we just started to play.

davis went to the rocking horse again, to the puzzles, to the blocks, to the beads...
he was busy busy.
he wanted to touch everything and pick it up and hand it to us but honestly he had no idea how to play with anything.
john showed him how to stack the blocks or bang them together with both hands.
davis just wasn't interested, instead he'd rather take them all out and put them away.

we were feeling kind of stuffy in the room and honestly rather bored, so we switched to the big play room across the hall.
the temperature was much cooler in there and there was lots of room to run around and act silly.
the psychiatrist checked on us and took off davis' hot sweater and he seemed so much more comfortable!
we kicked a big ball around for a bit, looked in the mirror at ourselves, played hide and seek around the christmas tree, and sang songs.

john and i were both exhausted! :)

at one point, one of the caregivers walked through the room to get something.
she came back a few minutes later and asked us if we wanted to listen to music.
da! yes! (remember how we were told how much davis loves music?)
oh man, you should have seen his face!
he was soooo excited and started dancing all over.
they must practice a special dance to the song she played because he did all kinds of hand movements and moved his head back and forth to the beat.
then she got a small bouncy exercise ball and he sat right down on it, held john's hands, and bounced and bounced!
that caregiver gave us such a gift today--i captured some of his dancing and bouncing with my video camera so we can watch it over and over again when we are home and show the other children.
i think they are going to love it as much as we do.

i tried not to look at the clock while we were with him but i couldn't help myself.
the morning had just evaporated and we only had about 15 minutes left with him.
i heard our facilitator's voice in the hall way and i looked wide-eyed at john and started to cry.
davis was in my arms and at that very moment, he squeezed my neck so tight and held me so close.
i whispered all of my hopes and prayers for him into his little ears and squeezed him tight.
john walked over and wrapped his arms around us both.
davis reached for john and john pulled him close to his chest.
that sweet baby boy buried his little face into john and hugged his neck like never before.
i promise you, he knew what was happening.

 quickly, he turned back to me and reached out.
i grabbed him and kissed him over and over again.
the door opened and the psychiatrist was coming over to us.
it was time to say goodbye.

my eyes were pouring out tears and i literally was shaking, and davis reached for john again.
he nuzzled his face into his neck and john closed his eyes, hugging him close again.
back and forth, back and forth...davis wanted us both to hold him and kiss him and he held us tighter than ever.
the psychiatrist reached out for him and he pushed her hands away.
for the first time, he showed them that he wanted only us.
he chose us.
and i lost it.

the tears were pouring out of me and rolling down my face.
i held him as long as i could and kissed him as many times as i could before finally the psychiatrist took him out of the room.
paka (bye bye)! paka! paka momma, paka papa!
the facilitator was in the door way talking with the director and he walked over to me.
he saw that i was crying, hugged me and said

they want you to know that they've never seen him smile and laugh so much.  they say he's always so serious and now he laugh.  and it is because of you...both (motioning to john too).  that make them very happy.  he smile, maybe for the first time, with you.


i closed my eyes and thanked God for this, another gift.
and then i sobbed into john's chest and we stood there hugging for a good long while.

somehow we managed to find our things and pack them up.
we put on our coats and gloves and zipped up tight.
we thanked the director and the psychiatrist and made our way out of the building.
i walked but couldn't see a thing, the tears just coming and coming.
we waited for the driver and got in the car.
john snapped a few pictures of the outside of the orphanage and we drove away.
back to the hotel, back to the city, back to the life we had before we held our boy.

we will drive back to the city tonight and meet with the judge tomorrow.
please, i beg for your prayers that she will be kind and easy on us.
we still have so far to go to satisfy her and we pray she will have mercy on us.
and of course, we ask that you add davis and his friends to your prayer lists as well.
we pray that he will know and understand that we will return for him, and in the meantime, remember how much we love and adore him.

a few months ago, i prayed to God and told him that i was ready for my world to be turned upside down.
we were waiting and waiting for travel dates, well, for lots of things, and i just felt like God wasn't listening.
ha, even writing that out on the screen makes me feel so foolish, like, of course i should have known better, but i felt like we needed God to move more quickly for us, for davis.
so i prayed (ok so maybe it was more like begging), but i told the Lord that i was ready, my heart was finally ready.
and He did what i asked...he wrecked me.
totally destroyed my heart.
and honestly, i've never been happier in my whole life.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness, " made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord.  Praise the Lord. Psalm 150:6

we will see davis again soon and all the glory will be in His name.
we are forever grateful for these few days in russia and for a little boy with down syndrome that no one wanted.
xo.

wednesday with davis.

i couldn't sleep for most of the night.
finally around 5 am i crashed out...the alarm went off at 7.
it was a rough morning to say the least.
john was tired, i was tired, the sky was dark and dreary and bitterly cold.

we pulled ourselves out of bed and got dressed.
we went to the cafe in our hotel and ate cheese omelets and orange juice and i had a frothy capuccino.
that helped a little bit, i admit.
it was snowing this morning and my nose froze between the steps between our hotel and the car.
the morning seemed to pass quickly and we were at the orphanage before we knew it.

davis was happy to see us and went to me easily.
he was dressed in a new outfit today: denim gloria jeans overalls with pink embroidered flowers, a brown wool sweater, tights and his lucky yellow sandals.
he wanted to rock on the rocking horse again and went to it immediately.
he rocked back and forth while john and i sang to him "rocky, rocky, baby!"
he giggled and threw his head back while he laughed.
his smile can light up the darkest places.
it truly can.

after the rocking horse, he got down and explored the visiting room.
i don't think he's ever seen so many toys in his life and he walked the perimeter of the room with bright eyes.
he had no idea what to do with these toys so we grabbed a couple and tried to get him to join us.
he wasn't really interested in any one particular toy too much but he did sit down and play blocks for a few minutes.
after a while he climbed into a tiny chair and sat proudly.
then he spotted a mirror and oh boy did he giggle at himself!
but again, he would only play for a minute or two and then he wanted to move on or come to us to hold him.
i don't know how much time he gets to practice his walking or standing because he seems to tire easily.
and we must have worn the poor little guy out because he was exhausted when it came time for our afternoon visit.

in the afternoon he was happy to see us but mostly content with us holding him, his arms wrapped tightly around our necks.
he would go from john to me.
then me to john.
again, again and again.
he was so very sleepy.

after a while of holding him, i could hear his breathing change and i thought he was sound asleep.
he body was like a sack of potatos, loose and limp against me.
he curled up on me, his little head nuzzled in my neck for literally one full hour.
we played the lullaby toy we brought for him and i sat in a chair and rocked him.
he didn't want me to put him down and i was happy to oblige of course.
john took turns with me holding him and not once did his feet touch the floor.


the visiting room was warm and stuffy, and he was wearing the thick brown wool sweater, and by the end of our visit he was warm and flushed.
the director told us in a concerned voice that several children in his groupa were ill with fevers, and we said a quick prayer right then and there that tomorrow, for our last visit, that he will be well.

that's right, tomorrow we will hold him and snuggle him and giggle with him again ... and then say goodbye.
the weather here may be turning bad and we need to get back to the big city to meet with the judge, so rather than risk missing that meeting, we will be returning tomorrow night.
i've already packed my tissues in my purse to take with me to the orphanage because saying goodbye to my little pumpkin, well, let's just say that i don't know if i'm going to be able to do it with grace.
my eyes are already filling up with tears just typing these words here tonight so i can only imagine the emotions i will feel tomorrow.

this is so hard.
how do you tell your little lovey boy that you wish beyond wishes that you could bring him home but you must leave him?
how do you even try to convey to him that you will be back as soon as you can when realistically it will be months until you see each other again?
how do you convince him that you would give anything for him to remember you, to never forget how much love we've shared in the past days?
oh boy, i just can't find the words in the tired and sad heart of mine.
but i will continue to pray that he will know and understand and remember, that the Good Lord will remind him and the Holy Spirit sustain him until we are able to hold him again.

another visit or two.

it was another cold and blustery day here.
john is sleeping well and i am not.
the jet lag is killer.
but we managed to make it to breakfast and order so it was a big success from the start of the day.
afterwards our driver picked us up and we drove to pick up the director of the orphanage.
it is considered a courtesy for the team to drive her back and forth while they are here, earning a little bonus points for us if you will.
our team here is fantastic.
we have really enjoyed meeting them and i think they genuinely care about and love what they do.
they told me that morally they get such satisfaction in their jobs and i think that is very admirable.

we made it to the orphanage and climbed past the kitchen again (stinky!) and up the stairs, but this time we stopped at a different door--davis' groupa's door.
i saw a worker come out and peered inside but i couldn't see any other children.
i was so hoping to recognize another face but no, not yet!

we continued to the same little room as yesterday and the director motioned for us to be extra quiet--a group of children were dressed up and practicing for a Christmas program.
we stood silently in the hallway lined with handmade paintings and drawings, and listened to the little voices singing and the piano playing.
i did get a chance later to sneak a peek out of our room to see them.
they were so sweet in their russian costumes, so happy and proud and chatty, but i didn't recognize any of their faces.


again the director brought davis to us and today he was dressed in shorts and tights and the same yellow sandals.
he seemed happy and alert and very giggly--so much more at ease with what was happening and so much more at ease with us.
he rode the rocking horse and laughed while daddy neighed and nuzzled his leg.
he played with the phone and loved the bright colors and sounds of wind chimes.
he looked at the photo book we brought and stared with such great concentration that it made me giggle.
he didn't want to explore too much, more content to do what we did the day before.
and we were absolutely happy to do that.

another worker came to see us and we didn't know who she was until much later in the day.
turns out she is the psychiatrist for the orphanage and she helps assess the children's progress.
part of me wonders if she was assessing me the whole time...hmm.

after the morning visit, we came home and slept for a few hours.
like i said earlier, jetlag is not nice to us.
we woke up just in time to get ready to return to the orphanage again for our afternoon visit.
the ride there and the walk to the visiting rooms are both starting to feel common now and i can tell that i am much more relaxed and at ease with everything.
i am still very anxious to see davis but the surroundings are starting to feel normal-ish.

for the afternoon visit we were asked to stay in the director's office.
our team worked at the long conference table while we played with davis.
there was a flurry of visitors in the office: the director, the social worker, other caregivers, the psychiatrist, another couple visiting (they sounded italian maybe?), etc.
and you would think that all of those people would be a distraction but no.
we were in our own little world, playing and giggling and giving kisses.

i must have kissed that little boy a thousand times or more today and with each one, i could tell he felt more and more comfortable.
there was a point in our visit where he was squealing with laughter and giggling so hard i thought they would tell us to be quiet!
he has such a good laugh!
he is also very good at imitating and repeating things--not verbally so much, but with faces and gestures...it's hilarious.

again, we played with the rocking horse and the phone but this time i sat him in my lap for most of the visit.
he hugged me and snuggled me, and oh boy, was i in heaven.
honestly, i felt a little bad for john because really this visit was for me.
davis and i, well, i felt like he gave me a Christmas present today the way he loved on me and let me love on him.
i felt as if i could just scoop him up and run out of that place and never look back.
i even whispered to john, "if we left now, i just know we'd be ok."
and he smiled because he felt the same way too.

these children, oh i just want to explain to you all how much these children need families.
i wish you all could be with me, sitting on the office floor, holding this tiny boy in my arms and feeling such urgency to free him.
and i know it's all cliche sounding but truly, the orphanage director told us herself.
children belong in families, not in orphanages.
they have the potential to grow in ways they just cannot here.
these are her words, not mine.
i, of course, couldn't agree more.
john asked her if she thought davis had the potential to do well in a family.
and her immediate response was of course.
she knows and understands and wishes there were more they could do but unfortunately the orphan situation has gotten out of control.
children belong in families.
period.

so after my sweet, sweet boy was whisked away from me today, we drove back to the hotel in silence.
our hearts hurt.
we know we have to leave him at the end of the week and it's painful, real aching pain.
but for now, we know we have tomorrow and the next day too, and it is with hopeful and happy hearts that we rejoice for the time together.
our Lord is so good.
all the time, in all circumstances, no matter what.

and without further adieu, some more pictures of our day.
you'll notice i'm sure that davis is wearing the same outfit as yesterday in the afternoon photos.
and again, those girly yellow sandals.
:)

p.s. please forgive my hat/hair situation.
my hairdryer is fried and it was crazy cold.
so my head looks like a jelly fish.
no big deal.