Tuesday, May 26, 2009

i cried at work

i was having one of those days today.
you know, the kind where you feel lonely but don't really want to be around people.
the kind where you are hungry but feel full, busy but kind of distracted, anxious but not really in the mood to do much.

one of those days.

i refilled my coffee cup and wandered into my friends' office.
lucky for me they were both there and we chatted for a while.
somehow we started talking about ob/gyns and i mentioned that i hadn't been since ben was born. i even skipped my 6 week checkup after his birth. (i really did)

then, as i told them why i hadn't been back, about how the day after ben's birth, my doctor was so smug and short with me and just coldly apologized about ben's diagnosis, i felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
my voice started to get shakey and i choked back the saliva in my mouth.
the emotion was as raw as the day it happened.
why wasn't my doctor compassionate and caring and helpful? especially when i was grasping for any sign of hope?

i see now how foolish i was and how desperate i felt then.
i am not that woman anymore. and i am not grasping for anything.
i have hope in my heart and ben's smile pushing me forward.
and no poopy headed doctor will ever take that away.

but still, i cried at work. ugh. is there anything worse??

i'm sorry girls, for being all mushy and sad and for being so emotional.
but when i looked up at you amanda and saw your tears, i knew you get it and i love that about you, both of you.

i recently read this post over at 5 minutes for special needs and i really connected with it. give it a quick read if you have time. women need each other. and i'm sure our men are thankful for the break. :)

and thanks again girls. for the tears, for the tissues, for the reassurance, for being there and listening. and most of all, for reminding me that i can always pick another doctor, another day.


...Nancy said...

i would have cried with you - you know us good girls can't let anyone cry alone!

Lisa said...

It sneaks up sometimes, doesn't it? Don't feel bad, and don't feel like you need to apologize. It happens to all of us...

Hope tomorrow is better!

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

Okay, I just hit "post" twice :).

p.s. I'm glad you had friends at work to talk to. I'm sure you would have done the same for them.