wednesday with davis.

i couldn't sleep for most of the night.
finally around 5 am i crashed out...the alarm went off at 7.
it was a rough morning to say the least.
john was tired, i was tired, the sky was dark and dreary and bitterly cold.

we pulled ourselves out of bed and got dressed.
we went to the cafe in our hotel and ate cheese omelets and orange juice and i had a frothy capuccino.
that helped a little bit, i admit.
it was snowing this morning and my nose froze between the steps between our hotel and the car.
the morning seemed to pass quickly and we were at the orphanage before we knew it.

davis was happy to see us and went to me easily.
he was dressed in a new outfit today: denim gloria jeans overalls with pink embroidered flowers, a brown wool sweater, tights and his lucky yellow sandals.
he wanted to rock on the rocking horse again and went to it immediately.
he rocked back and forth while john and i sang to him "rocky, rocky, baby!"
he giggled and threw his head back while he laughed.
his smile can light up the darkest places.
it truly can.

after the rocking horse, he got down and explored the visiting room.
i don't think he's ever seen so many toys in his life and he walked the perimeter of the room with bright eyes.
he had no idea what to do with these toys so we grabbed a couple and tried to get him to join us.
he wasn't really interested in any one particular toy too much but he did sit down and play blocks for a few minutes.
after a while he climbed into a tiny chair and sat proudly.
then he spotted a mirror and oh boy did he giggle at himself!
but again, he would only play for a minute or two and then he wanted to move on or come to us to hold him.
i don't know how much time he gets to practice his walking or standing because he seems to tire easily.
and we must have worn the poor little guy out because he was exhausted when it came time for our afternoon visit.

in the afternoon he was happy to see us but mostly content with us holding him, his arms wrapped tightly around our necks.
he would go from john to me.
then me to john.
again, again and again.
he was so very sleepy.

after a while of holding him, i could hear his breathing change and i thought he was sound asleep.
he body was like a sack of potatos, loose and limp against me.
he curled up on me, his little head nuzzled in my neck for literally one full hour.
we played the lullaby toy we brought for him and i sat in a chair and rocked him.
he didn't want me to put him down and i was happy to oblige of course.
john took turns with me holding him and not once did his feet touch the floor.


the visiting room was warm and stuffy, and he was wearing the thick brown wool sweater, and by the end of our visit he was warm and flushed.
the director told us in a concerned voice that several children in his groupa were ill with fevers, and we said a quick prayer right then and there that tomorrow, for our last visit, that he will be well.

that's right, tomorrow we will hold him and snuggle him and giggle with him again ... and then say goodbye.
the weather here may be turning bad and we need to get back to the big city to meet with the judge, so rather than risk missing that meeting, we will be returning tomorrow night.
i've already packed my tissues in my purse to take with me to the orphanage because saying goodbye to my little pumpkin, well, let's just say that i don't know if i'm going to be able to do it with grace.
my eyes are already filling up with tears just typing these words here tonight so i can only imagine the emotions i will feel tomorrow.

this is so hard.
how do you tell your little lovey boy that you wish beyond wishes that you could bring him home but you must leave him?
how do you even try to convey to him that you will be back as soon as you can when realistically it will be months until you see each other again?
how do you convince him that you would give anything for him to remember you, to never forget how much love we've shared in the past days?
oh boy, i just can't find the words in the tired and sad heart of mine.
but i will continue to pray that he will know and understand and remember, that the Good Lord will remind him and the Holy Spirit sustain him until we are able to hold him again.