Saturday, February 9, 2013

i will blog again. i will blog again. i will blog again...

i cannot tell you how many times i've opened up this little ol' blog of mine and stared at this blank screen.
i've watched the cursor blink at me over and over again while my head spins...but my hands stay still.
there is so much to say yet there is nothing to say.
maybe i've broken up with blogging.
i don't know.
i'm confused.

we have nothing positive to tell you about our adoption.
that's first and foremost.
and i know it's stinky.
i'm sorry.
the department of state and united states immigration have told us that russia is officially closed.
they continue to work and push the issues with officials at the highest levels, but right now, russia has said no exceptions.

i just can't tell you how this crushed my soul, how badly my heart is broken, and how hard it is to go on with the day-to-day minutiae of life.
i feel bad that i can't laugh freely or concentrate on anything for any length of time.
it feels fake and ridiculous.
i listen to other people plan their lives and go about their days, and i can't help but think that the things they worry about are a waste of time.
there are children that will waste away to nothingness!  can't you people understand how horrible this is??!!  it's over.  my son is not coming home.  there is no hope. 
i just want to yell at them and shake them and show them the pictures in my mind of the orphanage and my little boy, barely able to walk at almost SIX years old, hoping they might understand the urgency, the enormity of all of this.
but i can't.
and the pain is smothering me.
our agency has hired an attorney and we have submitted private appeal letters.
the judge has accepted the letters but we have no idea if she will reject them or what may happen next.
all i do know is there will be more waiting.
and more gray hairs.


we have started to remodel our downstairs bathroom--a distraction of sorts--and john has worked hard to get it ready for new tile, a new sink and new wainscoting.
i picked out the classics: hexagon tile, a school house style pedestal sink, a faucet with white enamel handles with hot and cold written on them.
i think it will look great but it's going to take a while.
these things don't happen quickly especially with three kiddos around.


a couple of weeks ago, we met with josh's teachers about his grades.
after the start of the new year, his grades dropped drastically.
he was struggling and having a really poor attitude.
we sat him down and had a big talk, met with his teachers and made a plan, and really asked him to TRY.
something must have clicked, thank the Lord!, because his grades are a thousand times better and so is his effort.
he is trying so hard and that's all we can ask for.

i will admit it here, because i know you guys get it, but i cried when i talked to his teachers.
i couldn't help it.
they were all so sweet and really care about him and it was very moving.
they told us how badly they want the best for him and it touched me deeply--and again i found myself feeling so much respect for teachers and their calling in life.

anna has been getting in trouble for talking in school almost every day...just like her mother. :)
ben has met lots of his iep goals this year (yay ben!) and we are meeting with his teachers in about a month to update his iep.
prayers are welcomed!
both anna and ben love our new trampoline and spend almost every afternoon hanging out together.
best christmas present ever.



i think about davis every second of every day.
just today i thought about how i still need to order his easter basket so his basket can match the other kids.
i wonder if he thinks about us and misses us at all.
i wonder if he sleeps with the quilt we left for him.
i wonder if he ever looks at our pictures.

the other night, out of the blue, josh told me he wished davis was here (at our house).
josh and anna both pray for davis every night, that he's safe and cared for and that he can be a part of our family soon.
i pray for the very same things too.

 hope y'all are doing well.
maybe this blogging thing will take off again or maybe not.
guess we'll just have to see.
until next time, friends...


xo said...

wishing these words I'm typing could just be the hug I want to give you instead. xoxo

Kimberly said...

I thought of you first thing when I heard the news about Russia. Praying for you and your family. Praying God will touch hearts and change the minds.

jeana said...

Prayers for you all. I'm so sorry.

Kimberlee Jost said...

I am praying for your heart sweet friend.
Love you and your family!

Amanda Nash said...

When i look at his picture I start crying in anger...I cant imagine what you feel as a momma that has held him and loved him in your heart. I am so sorry. I am praying for changes in Russia to happen swiftly that your boy can come home, and until then, i pray for his safty, comfort, and that he feels your family and how much God loves him. Also, praying your you, Big hug to you-Amanda

Amber said...

I am so so sorry. Praying for miracles!

Amber said...

I WILL NOT stop praying for the families and children affected by this ridiculous ban. I'm so glad you aren't giving up!

Lasso the Moon said...

Praying so hard for your family. I can't imagine how that must feel, to have him so far away, his future uncertain. I'm aching for you--my sister in Christ whom I've never even met, but who has the same Spirit as I do. I don't know what God has planned for your family's future. But I know He loves you, and He loves your son Davis.

Unknown said...

I'm praying for you. My heart hurts for you and I wish I could fix it.

Mary said...

i think of you so often and say a little prayer.
this news is crushing, but our God is BIGGER.
and when we cannot be the father(or mother) to the fatherless...He is.
but i pray that your son will be able to BE with you...and soon.

this is always so comforting to me during times of deep pain.

5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.

6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.

7 Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.

8 Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.

9 I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

10 As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?

11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
Psalm 42:5-11

meg duerksen said...

i wish there was something i could do. it's so unfair. so wrong. it is unjust. i know that GOd loves Davis and he loves you. i will keep praying for all of it.

Anonymous said...

I keep checking back in hopes there is some news about your son. I am praying fiercely...hang in there.