Friday, April 27, 2012

4 am.

i woke up this morning at 4am.
i was in the middle of a bad dream, one where john was cheating on me and i knew all about it.
i woke up, punched him in the back, and then tried to go to sleep.
wasn't happening.
so instead of laying there staring at the ceiling, i got up.
i got dressed.
i went outside and walked.
listening to this, and this, and this (thanks julie for the reminder of how good this song is).
and it was so therapuetic.

i am in a funk.
there, i said it.
it feels good to get that out there!--but it's pretty obvious by the foul mood i've been in all week.
and it's for a million little reasons--none of which i can control, but all of which make my skin itch.

ben tanked his speech eval.
and i knew it was coming but i didn't know it would be so bad.
he's not speaking much at home, so why in the world would he all of a sudden stand up and start showing off for his speech therapist??!
but still...ugh.

then we were told that our adoption agency needed two more copies of documents from our social workers to submit our registration.
we are still not registered.
i feel like puking.
they are saying we should be registered by mid-may, barring no setbacks.
would you please pray for us?
pray that we get registered, that they do not request any additional documents and that we get matched with davis for our referral?
these are such big things, so big, and i'm so scared.

i want to take a trip with just my husband john.
i feel like i never see him at all.
he comes home, eats, and there he goes, out the door, running someone, somewhere.
when he gets home, he's beat and wants to veg.
and i'm ready for bed so i can get up at the crack and do it all over again.
but i need him and it worries me that we don't spend enough time together.

i have a list a mile long of things i want to do.
list more things for the etsy shop, paint the bathroom, redo josh's room, clean out the garage, etc., but there's just not enough hours in the day.
we have TWO birthday parties planned for this weekend.
are we nuts?
no--that's just how desperate we are to get them over with and reclaim our weekends for ourselves!

oh and lastly, i want to lose some weight.
like a ton of weight.
it feels yucky, i have squeeze this body in a swimsuit soon, and overall, i just want to feel strong again.
like "hey, feel my arm muscle and see how STRONG i am", kind of strong?
that's a good feeling to have.

see, that's a whole lot of stuff going on in my tiny head, isn't it?
just so much stuff.

but the weekend is here, whether i'm ready or not.
i HAVE to get my party on for my little ones.
anna's having a sleepover tonight and josh is having one tomorrow night.
we are nuts, i know this, but it will be fun.
say it with me, it will be fun!

praying for the sanity to find humor in it all!!!!!!!!!!!
and praying that the kiddos don't decide to stay up all night, every night!

thanks for listening to my rant this fine morning.
i love knowing each of you are out there, listening.
praying that YOU find the humor in all of your worries too.
happy weekend to each of you.


Kimberlee Jost said...

I am praying for you today... and all weekend long. Praying for strength, praying for Ben, praying for at the very least a dinner away with your hubby, praying for the adoption process to get to the next step, and praying for both parties.

By the way, I had a dream like that once and I don't think I could hardly look at Bruce for four days. It seemed so real my dream, I just couldn't get over it. Punching him in the back seems totally appropriate. :)

beki said...

Big hugs to you! It's tough being a busy mama, isn't it? You're not alone. We're all here to offer our ear, say a prayer, and cheer you on. I know for me, just getting all my thoughts out helps a ton.
I hope you get some alone time with your husband soon. We've been lacking in that department ourselves.

Colleen said...

I'm sorry! I've been feeling the same way lately about alot of things going on. Trying to keep the fun going on as well as the smiles!

Anonymous said...

Praying! I think we've all been in this boat from time to time. I really hope you're able to have fun this weekend and your kids enjoy their parties.

Megan said...

Praying! I think we've all been in this boat from time to time. I really hope you're able to have fun this weekend and your kids enjoy their parties.

Danielle said...

I totally punch Ash to when I have those dreams:) I think it's totally acceptable, Ash not so much. Wow you have a lot going on! Sorry about the registration stuff that stinks:( And yes you are crazy but this is coming from someone who is a little looney herself. I blame adoption paperwork.

Laura said...

I am in a mini funk...a weird "all things are good, but why am I suddenly crying for no reason" sort of funk.


I am writing down my prayer for you and sticking it in a basket at church where it will be taken to Lourdes. Get on that prayer, Blessed Mother, would ya????!!!!!!

and bad dreams...they stick with you, don't you? Hate that.

And...the other morning, Nick and I had a good talk about stuff, then he ran out to work, and I was in a GREAT mood. Then it dawned on me...
And I think that has a lot to do with our bad moods.
That loss of connection is BIG.

I will add time with your hubby to my prayers.

and now...for that bathing suit...
hmmmmm.....I am not good with diet advice....I have a bad history of starvation and therapy...

BUT....Nick follows the 17 day diet, and it has helped him.
I am a huge fan of music in my ears and a nice walk after dinner.

this is a funk.
it will pass.
they always do.
But I promise to pray for you.
You are loved...and you are not alone...and God is wiping your tears before they fall....

hang in there

Heather said...

Here's to a FUNK-less next week and an official registration! I'm so sorry it's taking so long!! It really does things to your pshychie when you have no control over things. But things are going to happen! Hang in there!!

Laura Lee said...

I don't know you but boy do I know the feeling... I felt like you described me the last few weeks. I will be praying...

Amy said...

I understand...

Unknown said...

I am sending my love and prayers to you friend:)

coco said...

Sweet Amy, I don't know you but i just prayed for you. So much going on. We definitely live in a broken and fallen world and we walk around in bodies that are wasting away. But take heart, JESUS has overcome the world. I have been having shorter nights as well... that BIG TIME changes perspective. I took a 20 min nap the other day and it changed everything! (for that day anyway). Hope deferred makes the heart sick so plan some time just you and hubs really soon. Even if it is just 15 minutes hiding in a closet (so you can be alone :) and drinking a glass of wine together, it really does make a difference. I'll keep praying as God brings you to mind.

Unknown said...

Dearest Amy. I am so sorry. I wish I lived around the corner from you. I would drive over, shuffle your kids out to the car and kidnap them for the weekend. Hugs.

meg duerksen said...

i understand all of this.
kids, husband, stress,'s all too much sometimes!!!
it sounds like we are ALL going through it. :)

i will pray for you.
with pleasure.

Katie said...

Thank you for your honesty -- I feel like I can relate in a big way because you show a bigger spectrum of your life. Ups and downs, not just fab ideas. I can read a thousand mommy designer blogs and leave them behind, but I keep coming back to yours. Oh yeah, the extra chromosome helps too. :)

I hate those dreams. They seem so real. Whatever you do, make time for each other. It is SO important to keep discovering each other, even in little ways.

It won't be long before Davis is yours. Just keep plugging away at that paperwork, and you will be on a plane before you know it.

I loved the pics of the parties -- you are one brave girl. I loved the little blurry Ben sightings as well. ;)

Lori McDonough said...

I'm praying for you, Amy. You left a sweet message of encouragement on my blog recently and it meant so much to me when i read it. Thank you for that.

Sweet dreams, friend.