4 am.

i woke up this morning at 4am.
i was in the middle of a bad dream, one where john was cheating on me and i knew all about it.
i woke up, punched him in the back, and then tried to go to sleep.
wasn't happening.
so instead of laying there staring at the ceiling, i got up.
i got dressed.
i went outside and walked.
listening to this, and this, and this (thanks julie for the reminder of how good this song is).
and it was so therapuetic.

i am in a funk.
there, i said it.
it feels good to get that out there!--but it's pretty obvious by the foul mood i've been in all week.
and it's for a million little reasons--none of which i can control, but all of which make my skin itch.

ben tanked his speech eval.
and i knew it was coming but i didn't know it would be so bad.
he's not speaking much at home, so why in the world would he all of a sudden stand up and start showing off for his speech therapist??!
but still...ugh.

then we were told that our adoption agency needed two more copies of documents from our social workers to submit our registration.
we are still not registered.
i feel like puking.
they are saying we should be registered by mid-may, barring no setbacks.
would you please pray for us?
pray that we get registered, that they do not request any additional documents and that we get matched with davis for our referral?
please?
these are such big things, so big, and i'm so scared.

i want to take a trip with just my husband john.
i feel like i never see him at all.
he comes home, eats, and there he goes, out the door, running someone, somewhere.
when he gets home, he's beat and wants to veg.
and i'm ready for bed so i can get up at the crack and do it all over again.
but i need him and it worries me that we don't spend enough time together.

i have a list a mile long of things i want to do.
list more things for the etsy shop, paint the bathroom, redo josh's room, clean out the garage, etc., but there's just not enough hours in the day.
we have TWO birthday parties planned for this weekend.
are we nuts?
no--that's just how desperate we are to get them over with and reclaim our weekends for ourselves!

oh and lastly, i want to lose some weight.
like a ton of weight.
it feels yucky, i have squeeze this body in a swimsuit soon, and overall, i just want to feel strong again.
like "hey, feel my arm muscle and see how STRONG i am", kind of strong?
that's a good feeling to have.

see, that's a whole lot of stuff going on in my tiny head, isn't it?
just so much stuff.

but the weekend is here, whether i'm ready or not.
i HAVE to get my party on for my little ones.
anna's having a sleepover tonight and josh is having one tomorrow night.
we are nuts, i know this, but it will be fun.
say it with me, it will be fun!

praying for the sanity to find humor in it all!!!!!!!!!!!
and praying that the kiddos don't decide to stay up all night, every night!

thanks for listening to my rant this fine morning.
i love knowing each of you are out there, listening.
praying that YOU find the humor in all of your worries too.
happy weekend to each of you.