Sunday, September 23, 2012

paralyzed.

i have approximately 5,674 thoughts a minute.

i want to adopt 10 children,
i want to buy a new house,
i want to redo my bedroom,
i want to paint the bathroom,
i want to finish reading the book 7,
i want a cup of coffee,
i want to trust in God's plan,
i want to lose 30 pounds,
i want to clean out the refrigerator,
i want to go on a trip,
i want to stay in bed,
i want to know why we haven't heard anything from davis' region yet,
i want to watch a movie,
i want new fall clothes,
i want to go to sleep.

i have stopped writing on this blog too often because i know people don't come here to listen to me complain.
but that's all i seem to do lately.
and frankly, i'm sick of me.
so you must be too. 
you must.
i understand and i'm sorry.

truth is i still don't have any good news to share with you..

we still aren't sure what's going to happen with our adoption.
word is that his parents have not signed relinquishment papers allowing us to move forward.
it's been months now.
our paperwork is expiring, the costs are rising, more requirements are being levied upon us.
we are about 18 months into this process with no travel dates in sight.
we may have to make a decision soon...how long do we wait?  how long do we stay in limbo?

i feel paralyzed.

part of me wants to let go and move forward with our lives.
part of me wants to keep going for his sake.
part of me wants to move on and accept a different referral.
part of me wants to crawl under my blankets and cry for a week straight.
ALL of me is dying to understand, to comprehend, to wrap my head around the fact why this is still happening and why he is not in our arms.

trying to figure out things that you may never, ever know is exhausting.
eventually weariness sets in.
you can only tread water for so long before you sink to the bottom...

guys, please pray.
i know i've asked you to do this twenty, if not a hundred, times.
but these are little lives we're talking about here.
real children with real dire realities.
and i just...well, i just...i just don't know what is going to happen.

please pray.



6 comments:

Lori McDonough said...

I'm praying, Amy. Sending you, your family and sweet Davis hugs and love.

one son+one daughter='s our happy ever after said...

Ive never posted on your blog before, but felt led to now....Ive been through the process of adoption...it was one of the hardest journies of my entire life. It took us over 4 years to get our sweet girl...and those 4 yrs challenged, shaped, and chiseled me into who God needed me to be in more ways than I can ever tell you. I dont know your journey, or how it will turn out, but I do know, God's plan is perfect, His timing~perfect, and you WILL come through this, "chiseled" for the better!Hang in there....good things truly do come to those who wait!!!! :)

Joanne said...

Prayers on their way. I hope he will be with you soon.
Blessings, Joanne

Caudill Clan said...

praying...we're going through a "waiting" time in life right now, too...it's been 3 years, and I can so relate to wanting to hide under the covers and crying for a week. you're on my heart and in my prayers.

Kate Eschbach said...

Praying. Praying. Praying. I love you so very much. I come here to hear you. Happy, complaining, anything. And I was just wondering - where did you find my list and why is it the same as yours :)

DandG said...

If your paperwork is expiring, and Davis is not available for adoption, maybe accepting a different referral would be the right thing to do. That other child would be just as needy, no? Perhaps Davis was just G*d's way of leading you in this direction? Think of all the children who are waiting and available while your paperwork is just sitting there!