Thursday, May 17, 2012

believe.

there are days when things with ben come so easily.
he is chatty and he is happy and life seems easy.
these are the days that i think most about davis and wonder how things will be when he is our son.
he will not understand our language.
he will not understand our food.
he will be afraid of our house, our dogs, our family.
he will not trust us.


my heart hurts for him.
and for the others in the same situation as he is.
it is overwhelming and it is scary.
i look at the online orphan database for his region day after day, and see all the lonely scared faces looking back at me.
these children are just waiting for a chance.
my heart hurts.

the other day, once again, someone told me that i'm their hero for wanting to adopt davis.
i said thank you and smiled.
deep down i was thinking, "why in the world would i be your hero?! i mess up a trillion times a day, i yell, holler and cuss, i can't handle all of this alone! i'm EXACTLY like you are. i'm...just like you."


i am not rich.
i have very selfish desires.
i am lazy.
i want constantly.
my mind wanders like its no body's business.
i have trouble focusing.
i'm not the best friend or the best mother.
i mess up A LOT.

but i love God.
and i believe in Him.
and when He tells me that this is my path, well then what is my choice?
deny Him?
ummm, no thank you.
i want eternity.
i want to be with HIM more than anything!

God commands us to take care of widows and orphans, to take care of the least of these, and He says that he has heard our prayers and seen our tears and He will heal us. these are all true things.
more real than the cup of coffee i'm holding in my hand, more real than the keyboard i'm typing on.
this is God's word.
and i don't know about you, but i'm not about to think that what he says he says lightly or jokingly.
i believe Him.


my fears are nothing when i turn my face to the Lord.
and i am not alone--He is with me.
yes i may allow myself to wonder about davis and what my life will be like with davis as my son, but He already knows.
i believe that this is a part of His plan and that it's all going to be ok.
He loves me and He loves davis.
aren't we so lucky really?

drawing nearer to God gives me peace that i need to do this.
i am not a hero.
i am a believer of God.

8 comments:

Laura said...

I am a believer, too :-)

I feel GUILT when people tell me I am "amazing".
I am not amazing.
I am not even good.
I keep the confessional VERY busy at my church ...

any good people ever see in me, is not me, but Him....shining through me.
(because I am sort of sucky...)
and I DO love you how you are shining!!!!!!!!

maybe hero isn't the right word here.
but inspiration is fitting...you inspire others to live according to God will...to listen to their calling, and to glorify the Lord with their life.

I hope we meet one day....:-)

ckbrylliant said...

LOVE this! We are all capable and we can all hear the call but we have free will and we all make choices. Some answer the call and some let the machine pick up over and over again until eventually it SEEMS He has stopped calling.

Praying for you and Davis.

briggs256@gmail.com said...

God has our lives planned for us no matter what we do or say. He wants us to put our trust in Him and let Him take us to glory. Just believe. I'll be putting my hand in Jesus' hand and let him guide me this summer and through my life. I have no doubt of his wisdom and he will shine in me. Promise!!! Keep the faith. Love Nana

meg duerksen said...

love you amy.
:)

coco said...

What a beautiful post. I'm encouraged and SO VERY THANKFUL for the grace of our magnificent Savior. Praying right now for you, your family and Davis. Jesus is writing your story and it is magnificent!

my family said...

put so beautifully

J said...

Beautiful, wonderful words! I ate each one of them up and I feel them with every bone of my body. Needed to read this tonight. Love you, your family and Davis!!

Chrissie Grace said...

Oh Amy, I love this and you!