there are days when things with ben come so easily.
he is chatty and he is happy and life seems easy.
these are the days that i think most about davis and wonder how things will be when he is our son.
he will not understand our language.
he will not understand our food.
he will be afraid of our house, our dogs, our family.
he will not trust us.
my heart hurts for him.
and for the others in the same situation as he is.
it is overwhelming and it is scary.
i look at the online orphan database for his region day after day, and see all the lonely scared faces looking back at me.
these children are just waiting for a chance.
my heart hurts.
the other day, once again, someone told me that i'm their hero for wanting to adopt davis.
i said thank you and smiled.
deep down i was thinking, "why in the world would i be your hero?! i mess up a trillion times a day, i yell, holler and cuss, i can't handle all of this alone! i'm EXACTLY like you are. i'm...just like you."
i am not rich.
i have very selfish desires.
i am lazy.
i want constantly.
my mind wanders like its no body's business.
i have trouble focusing.
i'm not the best friend or the best mother.
i mess up A LOT.
but i love God.
and i believe in Him.
and when He tells me that this is my path, well then what is my choice?
ummm, no thank you.
i want eternity.
i want to be with HIM more than anything!
God commands us to take care of widows and orphans, to take care of the least of these, and He says that he has heard our prayers and seen our tears and He will heal us. these are all true things.
more real than the cup of coffee i'm holding in my hand, more real than the keyboard i'm typing on.
this is God's word.
and i don't know about you, but i'm not about to think that what he says he says lightly or jokingly.
i believe Him.
my fears are nothing when i turn my face to the Lord.
and i am not alone--He is with me.
yes i may allow myself to wonder about davis and what my life will be like with davis as my son, but He already knows.
i believe that this is a part of His plan and that it's all going to be ok.
He loves me and He loves davis.
aren't we so lucky really?
drawing nearer to God gives me peace that i need to do this.
i am not a hero.
i am a believer of God.